My Kids Aren’t Busy, And They Don’t Have To Be

Comparison. Why do we do this to ourselves? I’ll be living my life and feeling quite satisfied with how we’re doing. The kids will enjoy our schedule and involvement in activities. My husband and I will feel like we’ve struck a balance we can live with for a while. Then, it happens. Comparison. My kids aren’t busy, and I begin to worry that I’m a terrible mother.

Busy And Thriving

I have a relative who has three children. They’re really well-rounded, sweet kids. They are also, seemingly, always involved in something. They are a family with a full calendar, on the go, constantly around other people, and they love it. The very idea of my introvert self having to interface with so many people that often makes me feel anxious, but their family appears to thrive in this style of living.

My daughter has a couple of friends who are only children. One is a homeschooler. One is not. However, both are involved in lots of stuff. These girls are constantly going from one activity to another. By all accounts, the families are enjoying it. These girls are sweet, and I’m glad my daughter knows them. I can’t see my family operating at their level of involvement, though. I get tired hearing about their days, let alone living them.

We Prefer A Slower Pace

My problem, and many other women’s problem, is that I try to live by other people’s standards. I see these moms on Facebook and feel deflated when they share pictures and stories of what they’re doing. I listen to parents at our homeschool co-op and feel like a failure because my daughter is only learning one instrument. It’s hard not to imagine these women and their families looking at me and seeing a mother who is letting her children down. But I bet they’re not. And, frankly, who cares if they are?

I know what my family needs, and I plan our lives accordingly. We sometimes try to add more to our plate, but we usually discover that it isn’t enjoyable. My kids like the hustle and bustle for a little bit, but they eventually want free time and to be schlepped around less. My kids are still young, and leaving the house can be an event in and of itself. I’m fully aware that we may alter our approach to activities out of the home in the future, but, until then, here is a list of the main reasons we limit our involvement in activities (in no particular order).

1. Money

These things don’t come free. My husband and I look ahead and see the financial burden five children in never-ending activities could be. We’d rather invest that money into the family, as a whole, such as vacations or recreational things for our home. There is finite money, and we need to be intentional about where we are spending it.

2. Family Time

My husband is a full-time pastor. It’s a job with no “off hours,” and an ever-growing list of things to do. I’ll let you guess how much time that leaves him throughout the day for family. Much like money, time is finite. Intentionality, again, is key. We’re not always good about this, but our desire is to spend time with our children as much as possible and to form strong bonds with them. Yes, you can absolutely do this and be heavily involved in activities. Our children, however, long for that time together playing games, wrestling with dad, taking family walks, and having family movie night. Our family sees this as a priority, and too much involvement makes these times difficult to come by.

3. Influence

We homeschool, so concern with who is influencing our children shouldn’t be a shocker. We believe that parents ought to be their children’s primary influences and teachers. This doesn’t mean we hide our children away and don’t let other people interact with them, but we don’t want anything or anyone having too significant an influence. Obviously, the amount of outside influence goes up as time spent at the activity increases. There’s no way to say this in a way that doesn’t receive ire from people, but not every adult is someone I want my children looking to as a role model. As for the adults I think make good role models, they are still not mom and dad. There has to be a limit, but there’s no magic number of hours that are acceptable or unacceptable. Parenting frequently consists of trial and error, and this area is no different. We just go with what works for us, personally. If the influence isn’t contradicting us or overwhelming our children, then great. If we don’t love the influence or it appears to be usurping our parenting, then it stops.

Other kids. I don’t want my children being influenced by some of them either. My kids can, hopefully, be a positive influence on others, but I find that is quite a task for young children. Plenty of kids are wonderful, but there’s also a fair amount of kids I don’t want socializing with my children regularly. As a parent, I reserve the right to choose who enters my children’s sphere of influence, and I see it as a serious responsibility.

4. Faith

Our faith in Jesus doesn’t mean we are unable to be involved with sports, clubs, and other activities. It does mean, however, that those things take a backseat to spiritual things. Unfortunately, youth sports have taken over evenings during the week, Saturdays, and now even Sundays. I feel very strongly that Sundays should be off limits. Despite qualifying, we kept our son out of swim finals last summer because they were on a Sunday. The meet conflicted with our church schedule, and, therefore, we never gave it a second thought. I’m surprised by how rare this line of thinking is to people in the church. I don’t think that missing a church service makes someone a bad Christian, but I do question the spiritual heath of a family that practically disappears during particular sports seasons. In eternity your 7^th grader’s basketball stats won’t mean a thing, so why invest so much into it?

5. Lack of Interest

My kids are not currently that interested in a lot of activities available to them. We introduce sports and other activities, but eventually they choose not to be involved. My eldest daughter is nine and has told me she enjoys sports for fun but not to compete. I wasn’t surprised at all because competitiveness is not in her nature. However, she is loving her piano lessons and enjoyed participating in student theater. My eldest son is enthusiastic about swim team, and he is beginning piano lessons soon. I don’t see a reason to push things on them after introduction. So, my husband and I are letting them pursue their interests rather than pushing our interests or expectations on them. Everyone else seems to be playing football but my son doesn’t want to? OK. That’s fine by me.

Final Thought

I imagine that this is a touchy subject for some people, or some may feel judgement and condemnation. Hey, you decide what’s right for your family. If 24/7 involvement suits you guys, then I’m glad for you. There’s plenty of families that love being on the go. If, on the other hand, you want to live a slower paced life and be less involved, take heart that you are not alone. We’re out there, and our families are doing great, too. Meet your family’s needs, and don’t compare your life to anyone else’s. You’re doing just fine.

Image courtesy of Marcin Skalij via Unsplash.