How to Sabotage Your Marriage: Screen Time
I’ve got a confession. I’m not always faithful to my husband. My time and attention sometimes get poured into another. I’ll walk away, but inevitably I will end up “needing” to go back. You got it… I’m talking about my phone. Don’t feel too bad for him, though, because he and his phone go everywhere together…even the bathroom. Screen time is sometimes the third member of our marriage.
It Has Been A Long Time Coming
I’m not the first person to notice people have a problem with their phones, but I do remember when there was doubt about how consuming this technology would be. I discussed my interest in researching the breakdown of personal relationships as a result of technology at a college scholarship interview about 17 years ago. At the time I was referring more to computers than phones, but the response from the room of seven or so professors was decidedly amusement by the notion. Would research be needed for something like this? Was this really a problem? Well, almost two decades later (aaaaaaaand now I feel old), and there’s little dispute over the fact that technology impacts personal relationships. Marriage is, perhaps, chief among those affected.
Phones Enter Our Marriage
I seriously love my phone. I was a holdout when it came to smartphones and didn’t get one until about 2013. It seemed distracting, but I was sold on the benefits. Besides, I was a mother of 3 which innately made me mature and capable of self-restraint. Spoiler: It turns out that is not true. My bad. Anyway, I instantly appreciated the ease at which I could text and find information. Squabbles over which actor played that character in that obscure movie about that vague topic sometime in the late 80’s was so much easier to put to rest no matter where we were. This kind of instant gratification is a priceless gift to a generation of people who rarely need to wait for anything.
I noticed my husband and I on our new phones a lot, but I assumed it would end as soon as we had them all set up and figured out. Seven years later, and we are still figuring them out, I guess, because it has only gotten worse. Of all the potential landmines in our marriage, the phone has caused the most annoyance and hurt. Of course, we have screen time with television and computers, but the bulk of it is spent on this pocket-sized device we never leave behind. The issue has only gotten more complicated because of my husband’s profession. Have you ever heard of a pastor with off-duty time? Me neither. So, truly, he needs his phone nearby for work-related reasons.
Screen Habits To Break
Every marriage and work situation are different. What bothers some won’t bother others. As I thought about how phones infiltrate our days, though, I came up with some habits that I believe would likely bother most people.
1. Constant Texting
I don’t do this anymore, but I had a friend many years ago that I did this with. We had long, ongoing conversations that began when we woke and ended when we went to bed. It was very disruptive to my daily life. The problem here is that the person who is not physically present is constantly interrupting your time with those around you.
Some people don’t have long ongoing text conversations. Instead, they just have lots of conversations going on all the time. There’s a time and place for this, of course, but we need to be thoughtful about it. When your spouse is sitting down with you for a conversation it is likely the wrong time to send your thumbs flying. Despite a real person being in front of us, we tend to prioritize responding to the text over engaging with the person with us. This need to be constantly available to everyone is unhealthy. What would happen if you didn’t answer your text message until you were available? I’ll tell you. The person who texted would receive your answer later. Meanwhile, they would continue with their day.
2. Divided Attention
This was an area of contention for my husband and me for a bit. He would be looking at his phone while I was talking to him. He would tune me out while he finished reading whatever article, meme, or post he was looking at. Usually, he knew I was speaking, but he didn’t fully attend until it was too late to catch what I was saying. I even tested it once, and I made up wacky, cartoonish details about my day. He didn’t notice! Eventually, we talked about it, and he immediately made changes when he realized what he was doing and how often he did it. Our exchanges look much different now. He puts his phone down completely or lowers the screen on his laptop in order to fully engage with me.
3. Taking It To Meals
Stop doing this! Don’t be the couple on a date at a restaurant who sits in silence while they talk to other people and scroll through their phones. Everyone is looking on and feeling sad for you. Just stop. Quit the habit at home, too. Allow mealtime to be a time to connect and enjoy good food. At my house we listen to a chorus of complaints about the food, and we tell my most enthusiastic child that he doesn’t need to raise his voice so much. Hey, it’s family time, but it isn’t perfect. Besides, being on the phone during meals can make the people you’re with feel rejected and unappreciated.
4. All Free Time With The Phone
You put your kids to bed, and you finally have some downtime. What do you and your husband do? Snuggle up and watch a movie? Talk? Pray? Read together? (As an aside, I feel like reading aloud with your spouse is a highly underutilized activity.) Nah, you each grab your phone and zone out. I am the guiltiest of the guilty on this one. I’m fully engaged all day with demanding children because that’s what kids do. They demand our time, attention, and love. Between their needs, cooking, and housework, well, I’m just fried by the time the kids are in bed. Maybe it’s because I’m a homeschool mom. Maybe it’s because I’m an introvert. It’s likely a lot of factors. I do know for sure, though, that I desire that time to shut down and not think or engage. I don’t intend it to be all evening, but it certainly can become that. What’s the message I’m sending out to my husband? “I’m not interested in you.” “I prioritize myself and the online community I have over you.”
In order to prevent losing your precious free time, make a plan and set a time limit for this part of your day. Perhaps you need a bit of recharge time to zone out. That’s OK, but plan for it and for what you’ll do next. Don’t let all your spare time get sucked into your phone while neglecting the person you love most.
5. Working All The Time
I’ve heard of a time long ago when people left their workplace and didn’t work again until they returned to it the next day. If someone needed to touch base with you about work, they called the house phone, and this meant getting through the spouse or kids before reaching you. I’m told these calls didn’t happen all that often. Oh, yesteryear… The cell phone has helped to change this work-home balance. I’m afraid to say it isn’t for the better.
Most people are in frequent, if not constant, contact with coworkers throughout the evening. They email, text, and communicate through social media. We never LEAVE work anymore because we take it with us in our pocket! I’m a firm believer in “punching out.” I admit that not all jobs can be left behind, but I will venture to say that many more can be if we are willing. If your screen time leads you to put mental energy into work that can be done tomorrow, then put down that phone! Your spouse needs you to be completely present. Anyone can be a body in the room. Your husband wants all of you.
6. Social Media
I could go on and on about social media, but I won’t. Let me just say that it can be a total time sucker. Fifteen minutes on Facebook becomes two hours, and generally, you haven’t gained a whole lot. At its best you can keep in contact with loved ones. At its worst you walk away frustrated, anxious, and feeling insulted or hurt. Use it responsibly and try to limit your use. Too many spouses disappear on social media nightly leaving their husbands and wives feeling rejected.
7. Secrecy
Chris and I have complete transparency with our devices. He can look at my phone or computer anytime. The same goes for me with his stuff. We don’t typically look at each other’s devices, but we can and have sometimes needed to borrow them from each other. There are no secrets or taboo areas for us. I think this is normal, but I have come to find that is not true. You might not be up to anything suspicious, but you’re not looking trustworthy or innocent when you make your phone off limits to your spouse. Seriously, don’t create doubt and jealousy where the needn’t be any. Why stir strife for the principle of privacy?
Final Thought
OK, I’m not saying we all need to turn off our phones and laptops. I love having the internet. I’m not sure how I would have survived the first few year of homemaking without it. But maybe we can unplug a little bit more and consciously consider what we’re saying to our spouses by how we use these devices. You make time for what you want to make time for, so if your devices get more of your time than your husband…where is your heart?
Has screen time caused trouble in your marriage?
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