How to Sabotage Your Marriage: Money

Our Money Approach

Chris and I hadn’t been married long before he told me that he wanted a separate bank account for his “fun” money. He explained that he did not want to have to clear purchases by me, and he wanted the freedom to just buy things without me being in the loop. I was surprised because he told me this while we were driving to the bank to create our joint account.

As we drove to the bank I uncharacteristically remained silent with my opinion. We opened his account and put a little money into it. I honestly don’t remember how long we had the account or if we ever put money into it after that initial deposit. I do remember, however, my husband quickly realized that he was being a little selfish and felt weird stashing away private money away from me. He and I ended up agreeing early in our marriage that all the money we had was our money, and I think it’s one of the best things we did for the health of our marriage.

Marriage and Money

I hesitate to give specific statistics regarding divorce and causes for divorce because every study varies slightly. In addition, variables like children, mental health, and second and third marriages all change the data a bit. Suffice it to say, the divorce rate is somewhere between 40-50%. Why divorce, though? What’s happening in these marriages? Well, it could be money. In fact MarketWatch.com claims that the number one predictor for divorce is arguing about money early in marriage. A Ramsey Solutions study indicated that money is the second leading cause of divorce. Infidelity was the first cause.

You don’t need studies, though, because you already know this, don’t you? We all know money is a common area of disagreement among couples. We experience stress and anxiety from debt. Sometimes spouses are selfish, secretive, or unwise with money. Some couples get caught up with trying to keep up with the Joneses. These issues can chip away at a solid marriage and eventually tear it down completely.

What Can We Do?

Here’s the part where I give some suggestions, and you roll your eyes in disagreement. It’s OK. That is par for the course in my life. These suggestions are not a promise of a divorce-proof marriage. If I had that advice, do you think I’d give it away for free??? These ideas are simply strategies to help your marriage be successful. Take it or leave it.

1. Combine Your Money

Stop dividing up the money you two earn as “mine” and “yours.” And the bills are not “mine” and “yours.” If your husband came into the marriage with crushing debt, then you inherited the burden of that debt when you said, “I do.” On the other hand, if he is a millionaire then you are, too. That’s marriage. We are no longer separate from our husband, but we are one. Let’s see what Scripture says.

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”
Genesis 2:24

“For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.”
Ephesians 5:31

“But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.”
Mark 10:6-9

Separate money, bills, debts, and expenses hardly espouse the idea of oneness, but I think we should consider one other potential pitfall in the separate money approach. Resentment. You may unintentionally create a very real financial inequity in your marriage. One of you may be barely scraping by with his or her share of the bills and expenses while the other is living in more financial comfort and freedom. There’s almost no possibility of a happy marriage in that scenario.

2. Set A Budget

Budget is a scary word to a lot of people, but it is essential. First, you need to be on the same page as a married couple when it comes to finances. You can avoid so many arguments down the road if you have an agreed upon spending and saving plan. Second, it helps you create goals with your money and work toward them together instead of working against each other with your unspoken and unplanned wants coupled with unchecked spending. Third, this will help you pay off and stay out of debt. It’s hard to know if you’ve spent too much if you don’t know how much you can spend. Lastly, we ought to be good stewards of our money. From a Christian perspective, our money is really God’s money. Obviously, not every penny will go toward Kingdom purposes, but we should be thoughtful about our spending. There is definitely truth to the cliché that where you spend your money is where your heart is. Just keep that in mind in your marriage.

3. Complete Transparency

Marriage is no place for secrecy. A healthy marriage will have open lines of communication and transparency in all things, money included. It’s easy to do this, and it doesn’t have to be stressful. Have a meeting once a week or once every couple of weeks to touch base about finances. Sometimes needs, wants, and goals change in a short period of time. In that case, you need an opportunity to discuss the changes. This might sound awkward at first, but it becomes quite natural the more you have these talks. The more frequently you discuss money, the less weird it will be.

Remember that you are partners with your husband, so being open about spending is normal. Think about business partners. Secretive spending would not be tolerated. So, how much more intolerable should it be in marriage? Secret spending in marriages is sometimes referred to as “financial infidelity.” This term really puts it into perspective. Although not an affair in the traditional sense, the offending spouse breaks trust in the relationship by lying to continue having secret accounts, secret credit cards, secret debt, or secret purchases.

What If I Need To Leave My Husband?

This is the most frequent objection I’ve heard from women. In fact, I was advised to secretly stash money for the purpose of divorce…just in case. I understand that marriages end, and sometimes a woman is in a devastating financial position. That, however, is not enough reason for me to suggest all women prepare for divorce.

Don’t enter your marriage with an exit strategy. That mindset poisons your marriage. That kind of commitment has one foot outside the door. Frankly, if you feel like you might need to leave him, then I’d recommend not marrying him to begin with.

*Note: I am, of course, referring to the majority of marriages. A woman in physical danger may need to employ tactics to get to safety that I would discourage in most other scenarios. Domestic violence is no joke. Find safety immediately.

I Don’t Want To Be Vulnerable

Marriage is all about being vulnerable. You can’t be one flesh with a person with a wall built around you and a vault of just-in-case-I-leave-you money. Your husband will see you at your ugliest, weakest, etc. A wife should freely give all of herself to her husband, and that will be vulnerable. In turn, he should do the same. If you don’t want to be vulnerable, then you don’t want a marriage.

Final Thought

The suggestions in this post are utter foolishness to the world, but what does the world know? The divorce rate shows us that the world doesn’t have it all figured out, and we also know that God is not really a part of the world’s view of marriage. Christians need to prioritize a healthy marriage and to serve one another in love while working toward the purposes of God. Money can be a huge trigger for problems in marriage, but the Lord means for us to have unity in marriage in all areas, even money. Do you agree?

How to Sabotage Your Marriage: Money

Our Money Approach

Marriage and Money