How to Sabotage Your Marriage: Assume the Worst

I was not prepared to get married. I loved Chris, but I hadn’t done any of the groundwork up to that point to nurture a successful marriage. My mom did all my laundry until I moved out of her house. I couldn’t cook a thing. Seriously, not even spaghetti was in my repertoire. Not to mention, sharing was not my native language. Overall, I just wasn’t prepared to live in the same space with another human being until one of us died. Add to my practical insufficiencies my major trust issues, and I had enough baggage to fill a bus. My husband is a good man, but I couldn’t help but assume the worst about him.

I Used To Assume The Worst…A Lot

Chris was a champ. He was so patient and kind. Meanwhile, I was walking around on the brink of a freak-out because he was eating something I wanted, sitting in the chair I was headed towards, or something awful like breathing the air I was saving for later. I’m mostly kidding but kind of not. It was an emotionally rough time for me as we transitioned. My husband tried to let me work through things without correcting me, but eventually I broke through his patience and we had a talk.

“That’s it,” I thought. “Our marriage is over. If he needs to talk to me, then he’s had enough. Of course he has!” When I was a school social worker, I would have referred to this as “stinkin’ thinkin’” to my students. For me, though, it was just normal. As it turned out, this kind of thinking was exactly what he wanted to address. I had been assuming the worst about Chris in every situation. If he forgot to take out the garbage or left the bathroom dirty, then I was certain he did it on purpose. I “knew” he decided to leave it for me in a passive aggressive way. I suspected he was up to something when he sat at the computer desk in our spare bedroom because why would he be online in there other than to hide things? The door to the room was open and visible from the living room, but that was clearly just a part of his game…

I Got Called Out

Does this sound crazy to you? It should, but be kind because I didn’t even know I was doing it. Finally, Chris asked me if I thought he loved me. He asked me to think of a time he purposefully hurt me. He asked me to tell him what kind of man I thought he was. Well, I knew he loved me, and he had never tried to hurt me. Overall, I thought my husband was kind, patient, forgiving, generous, and thoughtful. After I responded to his questions, he gave me a bit of an emotional gut punch. He asked me why I assumed the absolute worst motives for him when I didn’t even believe he was the kind of man who would behave that way. Ouch.

I took what he said to heart, and I can happily say that I don’t assume the worst anymore (usually). That conversation has stuck with me over the years, and I’ve come to see that I was not alone in that way of viewing my spouse. Ladies do this relatively often. I let myself off the hook when I didn’t follow through with a minor thing, but I was ready to skewer my husband for the same behavior. This is a really easy way to sabotage your marriage. Day after day for weeks, months, and years a wife will see her husband as any number of unflattering adjectives. He’s selfish, passive aggressive, rude, thoughtless, stingy, etc. This thinking doesn’t allow a wife to be satisfied in her marriage and turns her heart cold toward her husband. That’s no way to treat your partner, and it’s not a successful approach to a healthy marriage.

Final Thought

I can’t speak for all women. So, I’m not claiming they all do this, but I am suggesting this happens a lot. In my case, it was under my own radar. I figured out later that it had become a defensive technique. I often set the bar low and assumed the worst-case scenario in order to avoid being disappointed or hurt. It would be easier when he left me if I assumed Chris always meant the worst. (I told you I had trust issues!) But this was only lessening my ability to enjoy my marriage, and it was hurting him.

Thankfully, I have a communicative husband, and he addressed this issue clearly and very early on in our marriage. Not everyone is blessed with a husband who so easily tackles issues, so I suggest wives pay close attention to their thoughts and self-talk concerning their husbands. Even quiet thoughts in the back of our minds can eventually break down a marriage.

When do you find yourself tempted to assume the worst?

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How To Sabotage Your Marriage:

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Unrealistic Expectations

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Image courtesy of Priscilla Du Preez via Unsplash.