How Can We Mourn With Those Who Mourn?

This week tragedy struck in our church family, and as a result, we are in the midst of planning a very unexpected funeral. Through the sadness, I have witnessed church members effortlessly jump into action to serve this family. To say I’m encouraged by these servant-hearted believers would not even begin to convey what I’m feeling. In contrast, I feel like I am fully unequipped to be of any use. These situations make me feel a powerful drive to reach out and an equally powerful inclination to stay out of the way and let the experts handle it. I suppose I’m not certain about how to mourn with those who mourn.

Mourn With Those Who Mourn: It’s Biblical

Why bother thinking too hard about this, right? I mean, maybe I’m not naturally gifted in this area and need to stop trying. Oh, how I would love to think that’s true. There’s a slight snag, however, that I keep running into when I begin scheming my retreat from others’ grief. God hasn’t given me an out.

Roman 12 opens with Paul beseeching believers to “present your bodies a living sacrifice” (v.1). This isn’t exactly a small request, is it? My preferences seem to fly out the window when I rightly apply this to my life.

Further into Romans 12, Paul explains how we ought to show one another love. Among the list is how to show love to those who mourn.

“Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.”

Romans 12:15

We rarely hear anyone paraphrase this verse as weeping nowadays. The New International Version (NIV) says, “mourn with those who mourn,” and this seems to be the way most people reference this verse.

Whether you say weep or mourn, the message is clear. Yes, we celebrate with those who are rejoicing about something, but we also need to do the vulnerable work of having empathy and walking alongside those whose lives have left them in tears, as well. Think about a time you were at your lowest. Can you remember someone who showed you kindness, embraced you, or even wept with you? I can, and it was meaningful and made me feel loved.

Christian, we’re called to this act of service. We should love this way.

How To Mourn With Those Who Mourn

I wish there were some sort of five-point plan to effectively mourn with those who mourn that I could give you. But I just don’t have one. It’s not so easy or black and white. Like many things, different circumstances and different people result in a variety of responses and needs. This is likely why I (and maybe some of you) feel out of my depth when the people around me are grieving. “What am I supposed to do?!”

Well, I don’t have the ultimate answer to this question, but I do have some lessons I have learned (and am still learning) that I can share. Take a peek and see if they help.

1. How To Mourn With Those Who Mourn: Pray

Starting with prayer is always a good thing. In the case of mourning with others, pray about how God would have you serve them. You might need to step back and allow others to be close to those hurting while you serve in the background. On the other hand, maybe you will take the lead in some capacity to come alongside them. In reality, it doesn’t matter as long as you are thoughtful about it and in God’s will. Remember, this isn’t about you, so do what the Lord leads you to do, even if no one else knows about it.

Another way to utilize prayer is to pray for those who are mourning. Let them know you’re praying for them, and ask them how you can pray for them, too. Even unbelievers feel loved and comforted when they know people are praying for them. Prayer is the most powerful tool in our arsenal. Don’t be afraid to use it.

2. How To Mourn With Those Who Mourn: Take A Cue From Them

Don’t go barging into the room telling everyone how you’re going to help. Have you ever been to a funeral where someone comes onto the scene hugging the family, hogging their time, talking nonstop, offering unsolicited advice, telling stories about themselves, and making a scene. If not, consider yourself lucky. But I guarantee that isn’t helpful. Not to mention, it comes across a little me-focused.

A common phrase I use with my children in all types of circumstances is, “Read the room.” Essentially, check if your behavior and demeanor are appropriate and appreciated. As for dealing with someone in mourning, here’s an example:

You walk into the room and see the mourning individual. She is alone, so you walk over and tell her you’re sorry for her loss. This is a good time to read her body language. Would she appreciate a hug, or is a reassuring touch on the shoulder sufficient? Also, consider how she is responding to you verbally. Is she curt and disinterested in conversation or talkative and wanting to speak her mind?

In the above situation, you have multiple opportunities to talk too much, ask too many questions, overstay your welcome, and touch her in ways she doesn’t appreciate. It sounds like a trap. It’s really not, though. The signals are easy to read, and it is completely appropriate to ask her about anything you are unsure about. For instance, I give stand-offish body language, and people have asked me outright if they can hug me. I was glad they asked, and they didn’t have to wonder. When in doubt, ask what they want.

3. How To Mourn With Those Who Mourn: Understand Your Relationship

Another important consideration when trying to figure out how to mourn with the mourning is to clearly understand the relationship you have with them. Mourning with my relatives is quite different from mourning with an acquaintance. We all understand this, but we don’t always apply this knowledge well.

If you are close to this person, assume she wants you nearby and part of her more personal moments of grief and mourning. Your instinct might be to pull away and give her space, but let her know you are there for her. She can tell you if she needs to be alone.

On the flipside, don’t assume your relationship is more than it is. We don’t all have equal access to someone’s personal life and grief. Even some friends in the same circle are closer to each other than others. This isn’t the time to shoehorn yourself in as the bestie. Acknowledge who you are in that person’s life and serve them as best you can from that role.

4. How To Mourn With Those Who Mourn: Be Present

My husband gives this advice a lot. Sometimes, the best thing you can do for someone is to be present. Just be there. It might seem odd or awkward, but simply quietly sitting next to someone can be exactly what she needs.

Some people (i.e., me) want to fill the silence with sound. The quiet is uncomfortable and scary, but I didn’t need constant blather when my mom died. I needed to process and think. A battle between anger and grief swelled up inside me; I didn’t know how I felt. But I didn’t want to be alone nor did I want to talk about it.

Presence says, “I love you and am here for you.” It’s simple yet one of the most powerful ways to show someone in mourning you care.

5. How To Mourn With Those Who Mourn: Listen

Are you tempted to talk and lead the conversation when the mood is heavy? You’re not alone. There are lots of us making what could be perfectly normal conversations into cringeworthy events that will replay in our minds for years to come. The embarrassment is bad, but the impact on those around us dealing with grief and sadness is much worse.

If you want to mourn with those who mourn, then you need to button your lips. It’s time to listen. Those who mourn aren’t always ready to start talking, therefore you need to give them the opportunity. How? Be quiet. Let the conversation breathe for a few minutes. And when they speak, listen. Don’t interrupt. Don’t try to solve anything. Just listen to them talk.  

6. How To Mourn With Those Who Mourn: Actually Weep

Our community has endured quite a bit of heartbreak this fall, and I can see the emotional toll it’s taking on some of those around me. We are hurting yet trying to put one foot in front of the other. “I just have to get through this week, then I can deal with this,” we tell ourselves. That’s all fine and dandy, y’all, but we need to release these emotions at some point.

We need to cry. As I get older, I find myself becoming more of a sympathetic crier. And I feel so embarrassed about it! However, I don’t need to feel that way because there are definitely times to cry with others. For instance, tonight my church had its weekly prayer meeting, and many of us had heavy hearts. Some have been directly affected by a couple of recent losses in the area, while the rest of us are broken-hearted for those we love. So, did I stifle my tears back as others cried over the pain they are experiencing. No. I cried with them.

Crying displays vulnerability, empathy, compassion, and understanding. It also wordlessly gives others permission to cry and fully feel their sadness. Not to mention, the act of crying creates a bond between you and others which draws you closer in fellowship. Maybe most importantly, crying with the mourner tells her you love her because knowing she is in pain causes you pain, as well. She can be confident she isn’t alone.

7. How To Mourn With Those Who Mourn: Allow All The Feelings

Christians, let’s address a big issue we have in the Church. Feelings. We have them, but oftentimes we don’t experience them. We shove them down and bottle them up because they are “a bad testimony.” Believers get to feel happy, joyful, content, pleased… You get the idea. Meanwhile, sadness, anger, hurt, jealousy, etc. are off the table.

Well, I’m here to tell you that those feelings are valid and real. We need to acknowledge they exist and deal with them. Let’s say I pretended not to feel anything when my mother died that was deemed unpleasant by the “Christian Feelings Police.” Would I be able to move on? How would my relationship with God be affected?

I can tell you that I felt angry and deeply sorrowful. Sometimes, I couldn’t breathe and felt panicked. No one scolded me, told me to get over it, or questioned my joy in the Lord. I had gone through a tremendously complicated and difficult loss, so there were a lot of feelings to work through. In that time, though, I grew closer to God and His grace, love, and provision became even more precious to me.

Mourn with those who mourn by letting them mourn. We shouldn’t stay in the valleys, but we should expect to walk through them. Walk with someone through those times, and help them remember who can lead them out of the valley.

8. How To Mourn With Those Who Mourn: Point To God

Unfortunately, nothing we do can make everything better. We can’t wave a magic wand and bring someone back or fix a broken relationship. Even our encouragement and friendship aren’t enough to bring real comfort. We have only one true source of peace and comfort…the Lord.

“Now the Lord of peace himself give you peace always by all means. The Lord be with you all.”

2 Thessalonians 3:16

“Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.”

1 Peter 5:7

“And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:7

“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.” (emphasis mine)

Psalm 23

Look for times to remind them that God is with them through this trial, and He can carry them through even this.

Pro Tip: I might not lead with this or use trite sounding Christianese sayings to convey the message. They might know it’s true, but they may not be ready to hear it yet. Really, they may just need to process whatever it is they are mourning before they can hear anything at all. So, don’t steamroll anyone with Bible verses. Instead, empathize with them, and bring them to God’s Word as it seems appropriate. A person’s spiritual maturity will strongly affect the timing here.

9. How To Mourn With Those Who Mourn: Maybe Give Advice

The very last thing I would consider doing is giving advice. There might be a time and a person for that, but assume it isn’t now or you. I believe the general rule of thumb ought to be that you wait to be asked for advice before giving it. You run the risk of sounding impatient with their mourning and trying to correct how they mourn. Don’t do it.

If they request advice, then give it without sounding too commanding. Advice can be taken or ignored, and they should feel like you aren’t pushing anything on them.

10. How To Mourn With Those Who Mourn: Mourning Can Last A Long Time

Something I have heard a lot from women who have lost someone close to them is that after a short while everyone goes on with their lives and expects they have done the same. However, they are still healing and hurting.

Others have expressed that they are doing well most of the time, but birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays can send them back into sadness or depression.

Sometimes to mourn with those who mourn requires checking in over a long period of time and helping them through revisited grief. Just because you are all right now doesn’t mean your friend has completely moved on.

Final Thought

Are these ten points the only things to consider when we mourn with those who mourn? I’m guessing “no.” On the other hand, they are a starting point and give you something to think about the next time you want to come alongside someone who is grieving but are unsure about what to do.

If you only take one thing from this post, take this: Don’t leave God out. You can’t be wrong if you follow His direction and His Word in these circumstances. Whether you offer a meal, a hug, coffee and laughs, or weeping and deep thoughts, you are showing love and compassion to the hurting. It’s not always comfortable, but it’s always godly work.

How else would you suggest showing compassion and love to someone who is mourning?

Image courtesy of Ben White via Unsplash.