Confession: I’m An Angry Mom

If you meet me on any given day, you’ll probably see me throwing my head back in some sort of laugh cackle. My leadership style is laidback, and I accommodate people’s preferences fairly easily. As a mother, however, the ugliness inside me has spilled out more times than I care to remember. You guys, I’m an angry mom. I didn’t even know I had the capacity to be angry like I am with my kids at times. Even today, as I’m writing this, I can feel my blood pressure rising as I take deep breaths. What is going on?

The “Angry Mom” Is Common

Initially, I believed I was the only mother struggling with anger. I didn’t see other moms losing their tempers or snapping at their children. But with more thought, I realized people didn’t see me in those situations, either. Generally, I was able to hold in my anger until we were in private. Were there others like me?

Early in motherhood I began reading blogs focused on homemaking and parenting, and I noticed a surprising trend. Angry moms. Seemingly every “mommy blogger” had a story about how she used to be an angry mom, but she had overcome it with XYZ. These moms are everywhere! Google it…you’ll see.

After I felt a rush of relief from realizing I had a common struggle with many other women, I felt disheartened. Why are there so many of us, and why do so many people make light of being an angry mom? I feel ashamed and disappointed in myself when I let anger surge out at my family, but the stories I read often validated the anger. And the women who shared how to stop being angry seemed to neglect a biblical perspective.

Christian mom, I think this can be a problem for you or someone you know.

Let’s talk about angry moms and how to not be one.

What Triggers An Angry Mom?

I said I’m an angry mom, but I don’t mean that I am angry all the time. My kids and I have lots of fun together, engage in meaningful talks, have memorable experiences, and live through plenty of not-much-to-see-here days. That’s how I would like to be all the time, but there are factors at play that, although not an excuse for me, can push me in such a way that I choose sin.

Not everyone has the same triggers, so let’s consider some common ones that mothers commonly face.

1. Upbringing

Some of us come from angry homes. In the worst cases, that anger manifested as abusive behavior. Those women grew up in homes with violence, fear, and a police presence. Anger doesn’t always come out in such extremes, though.

My home was filled with anger, but a quiet seething anger, waiting to erupt. My parents didn’t yell at each other much, but they clearly did not like one another. All the angry rhetoric they had for one another bypassed each other and I heard it instead. Angry words. Angry tone of voice.

My mother, due to her drinking, had a short fuse and would explode over the littlest of things. I didn’t realize how much it affected me until I was seventeen. My dad had me over at his girlfriend’s house for dinner one night after my parents’ divorce. One of her children knocked over a glass of milk, and it flowed out over the table and onto the floor. My dad and I both tensed and pulled our bodies away from the table for moment as if physically preparing for the explosion of angry words.

Rather than get angry, my father’s girlfriend grabbed some paper towels and cleaned it up. She saw us still stiffly watching the milk and said something like, “It’s just milk. No big deal, guys. It happens.” In her home, there was room for accidents and mistakes. In mine, anything short of my mom’s expectations warranted explosive screaming and cruel words.

An angry mom or dad can lead you to be angry, too. Years of an angry home have trained me how to respond to unfavorable stimuli. With anger.

2. Hungry Or Sleepy

Hunger

Our bodies have needs, and food and sleep are among our top needs for survival. Odds are that you are not starving, but you might be hangry, my friend. Sometimes, when we get hungry and our blood sugar drops, we feel hangry (hungry + angry). It might sound silly, but anyone who gets “hangry” knows what I’m talking about. This is why I tend to keep snacks with me (or money for snacks) when I won’t be home. This allows my body to get what it needs and those around me to have a more enjoyable version of me.

Sleep

Moms are notoriously sleep-deprived. A study by Sleep Junkie found that parents of babies under a year old are losing up to three hours of sleep a night! Although that can get better when the baby starts to sleep through the night, parents are not necessarily getting more sleep.  

A study reported that parents don’t get back on track with sleep until approximately six years after having a baby. Don’t forget the clock restarts with each baby…

Children wake up from nightmares, illness, bathroom emergencies, and just because for years. Not to mention, they also wake up early in the morning a lot of the time. I’m not even sure if children are capable of sleeping in. They certainly can’t at my house.

Being hungry and tired can make anyone crankier, and adding motherly responsibilities to those factors can make the angry mom much more likely to appear.

3. Out Of Gas

Too many moms, myself included, try to push through and get things done. “Just one more thing and I’ll be done.” Never mind that all the while she has children constantly needing her, asking her for things, and touching her. We push through when we should pace ourselves. Below is a description of a typical challenging weekday for me:

On occasion, I have days in which I wake up at a deficit. Maybe I’m tired or just feel overwhelmed by the day ahead of me. Then, I have to make breakfast and oversee getting ready for the day. Each step of the chores and getting ready requires my attention on this day. The kids are bickering, ignoring the sound of my voice, and the cat threw up on the rug. (*deep breath*)

Time for school. Did I eat breakfast yet? No, there wasn’t time. I’ll just grab a cookie and some coffee, and we’ll start our homeschool routine. It’s Monday, and no one is in the mood for school today, not even me. Attitudes stink, and my youngest won’t get out of my lap. After tears, discipline, and academic instruction we are finally ready to have lunch.

We’re about an hour behind our usual lunch time, but school is finished. Yay! Oh, that’s right… I have to make lunch. Two of my five kids pick at their plates because they don’t like it. Someone cries about having to try everything on their plate. Meanwhile, my heart is racing, and I am wondering when I can get these kids off to break time and have some quiet.

Lunch chores are finished, and everyone is supposed to go to a separate space for a bit. They need the downtime, and I need the quiet, some food, and maybe a quick nap. I just don’t have anything more to give. I’m tapped out, and my husband isn’t home to help. I’m a one-man show.

Literally seconds after everyone separates and I sit with my lunch (a bowl of oatmeal), some kids are sneaking out of their break areas because they “need” a book or toy or drink or to bother me, I think. Arguments and door slamming commence. I put my much needed oatmeal down and deal with the problems. When I sit down to my now cold and congealed lunch, the final straw presents itself as a whining eight year old is in someone else’s break space.

I need self-care in the form of sustenance and quiet, but I pushed through without assessing my own needs. I have nothing left, so I erupt over a small thing.

4. Stress

I’m stressed a lot. Responsibilities can feel overwhelming sometimes, especially when I feel burdened by my husband’s responsibilities, as well. My husband, a pastor, has to pull me into ministry things every so often even when I have a conflicting schedule. Other times, he has to pull out of our plans or interrupt our family’s time together because he has to deal with something. That’s all right, but it can cause stress.

It doesn’t matter who you are, though. You don’t have to be a pastor’s wife to be triggered by stress. It can get the best of you no matter who you are. Public school or homeschool. Housewife or work outside the home. Married or single. When we don’t handle those pressures and stresses well in our lives, we’re apt to lose it after those little button-pushers (aka: our children) enter the mix.

5. Self-Dependence

“I got it.”

“I’m good, but thanks.”

“Sure, I can help with that in between my errands and dinner prep.”

“No, I don’t need any help.”

Independent women. That’s the goal, right? “They” (whoever they are) say men find independent women attractive, and we can’t count on anyone but ourselves, anyway. So, you better be strong and don’t take any help from other people. You got this, girl!

I can be fiercely independent because I don’t want to be a bother and I am sometimes prideful. I was raised with “girl power” messaging in the media, and I didn’t want to need anyone.

Enter a husband and children.

As circumstances would have it, I actually do need help. And, no, I can’t do everything. I need to say “no” when my plate is full, and I have to reach out to my community when I am overwhelmed. When I don’t do this, the angry mom rears her ugly head. The load I force myself to carry is too heavy, and instead of reaching out for help, I take it out on my children.

The stress and burden from being too self-dependent is different from everyday stress because I’ve done this to myself, and it is often rooted in the sin of pride. Predictably, one sin (pride) leads to another sin (anger).

Is Being An Angry Mom Sinful?

I just called anger a sin, and I know that might make some people get defensive. Like clockwork, someone is preparing to remind me of Jesus flipping tables in the temple (Matthew 21:12-13; Mark 11:15-18). Anger is not always a sin. Please, don’t walk away with that idea.

The Bible clearly recognizes a distinction between anger and sinful anger.

“Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:”

Ephesians 4:26

However, anger can become sinful when it is rooted in pride, becomes a grudge we won’t let go, or is directed at another person, causing her harm. Sinful anger never represents the Lord well, and it displays a person unable to control herself.

Below are some verses about anger to consider if you are working against being an angry mom.

“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.”

James 1:19-20

“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.”

Proverbs 15:1

“Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.”

Proverbs 19:11 (ESV)

“There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”

Proverbs 12:18 (ESV)

How To Avoid Being An Angry Mom

1. Start With God

In the busyness of the day, time in the Word and in prayer easily get pushed aside. We say, “I’d love to spend time with God today, but I have to do these other things first.” There’s always something, though, isn’t there? I’m at no risk of running out of things to keep me away from God.

If I’ve read the Bible and spent time in prayer for my children and my home before beginning my day with my family, then I am usually much more spiritually and emotionally prepared to take on the challenges ahead. I know this might mean getting up early or delaying the to-do list, but I think it’s worth it. And I say this as someone who has reaped what she has sown on the flipside of this approach.

2. Take Care Of Yourself

A mother’s job is never done. You’ll never go to bed feeling like you accomplished every task you wanted to. With that being the case, there should be no problem taking some time out for yourself and making sure you have time to exercise, eat, nap, paint your nails, indulge in your hobby, or whatever helps you function and feel good.

A healthy mom who feels taken care of is less likely to be an angry mom.

3. Ask For Help

Ask your friends and family to help you out. You’re not a failure as a mother because you feel overwhelmed sometimes and need help on occasion.

Don’t forget your closest neighbor: your husband. I understand some old-school conservative Christians don’t think a husband should pitch in and help his wife. I’m just gonna say it. That’s absolutely wrong.

A man goes to work and comes home at the end of the day in these scenarios.  Then, he is free of responsibility? Meanwhile, the mother has two possible situations. 1.) She stays home and works from the moment she wakes up until she sleeps. She never leaves the office because her home is her office. 2.) She gets the kids to school, goes to work, comes home, and then takes over all of the household responsibilities. This mother never stops working either.

Don’t fall into the trap that this pattern of thinking leads mothers to. Your husband is perfectly able to keep some kids home with him so you can go to the grocery store alone, and he can put a load of laundry in the washing machine when needs clean clothes.

Ask for help, and you suddenly won’t feel like such an angry mom.

4. Know The Cues

Pay attention to your feelings. Sometimes we have angry outbursts before we even recognize we are angry. It helps to get to know your personal triggers and cues.

Once you recognize you are beginning to spiral into angry mom mode, take action against it. You might:

eat,

retreat to a quiet place,

ask someone to watch the kids,

nap,

put on a show for the kids (30 minutes of screen time won’t kill them),

or pray.

Final Thought

Moms today get two messages. The first is mommy guilt. Everything we do is wrong, and we’re terrible mothers who are ruining our kids.

The second message contradicts the first by telling us we’re doing just fine. Don’t change a thing. Mama, you got this.

Neither message is completely right or completely wrong. Believer, if you are an angry mom, then you are in sin. You’re not doing your best, and yes, you need to improve. However, don’t be discouraged. You can do this. Lean on God, seek out counsel in His Word, and strive to display the fruit of the Spirit (which does not include anger) in your daily walk alongside your children.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.”

Galatians 5:22-23

Your turn. Have you ever struggled with anger as a mother?

Image courtesy of Andre Hunter via Unsplash.