10 Lessons I’ve Learned In My First 12 Years of Marriage

Marriage looks like a simple enough arrangement from the outside. You meet someone, fall in love, get married, and you live happily ever after. Twelve years into my marriage, and now I realize that there’s a lot of information missing from that plan and “happily ever after” is much too simplistic a way to look at marriage. Being a wife has been more of a blessing than I could have anticipated, but I have had to learn a lot of lessons the hard way to get to the blessing part. Here are ten lessons I’ve learned in my first twelve years of marriage.

Marriage Lesson #1: A Husband Will Never Be Everything You Need.

Sorry, Chris, you’re great and all, but you’re not that great. It’s too easy to hold our husbands up on a pedestal and expect them to provide everything. That ultimately becomes idolatry, doesn’t it? We are supposed to turn to God for all our needs because only He can truly provide. Sure, my husband, through God’s grace has provided a home, food, clothes, and plenty of extra things in our life together, but he couldn’t have done any of it without God.

Also, I have spiritual and relational needs that he isn’t really fit to meet. For example, the Holy Spirit, not my husband can truly convict me when needed, and sometimes I just need to sit and chat with a female friend. No matter how hard he may try, Chris just can’t make it through a five hour long coffee talk.

Not to mention, my husband has let me down or failed to come through on some occasions. He’s not a monster, and I am fairly certain that Chris never meant any harm. However, we’re prone to selfishness, forgetfulness, disorganization, and a host of other unhelpful traits that make us human. Expect your husband to be human just like everyone else. Oh, and remember that you’re just as fallible as your husband.

Marriage Lesson #2: Marry Your Best Friend.

As much as we need friends in our lives, our husbands ought to be our very best friends. If you’re anything like me, you need to talk a lot. Marrying a man who genuinely enjoys our conversations and likes to hear my thoughts has guarded against my feeling rejected and helped us to build a strong foundation. We love each other, and we like each other, too. After we got engaged my stepmother said, “Well, at least we know you two won’t run out of things to talk about.” She’s been right so far.

Best friends aren’t just about talking, though. We know each other better than any other person on Earth. He knows what to bring me from Kwik Trip and when I need a pep talk. I know when he needs to talk through a struggle, wants to get away for a break with the family, and when I shouldn’t have finished off the pot of coffee (sorry, not sorry).

Best friends are people you can count on when it gets hard. I have been through multiple low points in our marriage and brought several steamer trunks of baggage into this thing. He has stood by me, been a shoulder to cry on, and carried the load that wasn’t his to bear because I didn’t have the emotional strength for it. For my part, I feel I’ve been less successful at this. However, I’ve tried to support him as he followed God’s call into ministry and when the emotional and stress burden of pastoral ministry is particularly heavy.

I know my husband and I are best friends because he’s the person I want to be with most. Chris is the one I want to talk to first when there is exciting news, and he wants to come home after being out all day because he wants to be here with me. This deep friendship helps us in every area of our marriage, and no other friendship should supersede ours.

Marriage Lesson #3: Don’t Take Yourself So Seriously

I take myself way too seriously. This is a little odd coming from me because I’m essentially the adult version of the class clown. That’s for group settings, though. In a relationship I can get too caught up in how I come across and how I’m received. This creates a potential for hostility and being easily offended. This guy married me, though, so it is probably safe to assume I can make mistakes and look the fool sometimes, right?

Have fun together and laugh at yourself. You know, I think my husband is his absolute happiest when he catches me make a small mistake. Why? Well, it’s because there is a level of closeness and intimacy that forms when someone sees you as the whole person you are. Also, when I use the wrong word or forget the diaper bag on a trip, Chris is seeing a side of me I rarely show. He wants us to laugh together like we do when he has does something embarrassing, and man alive, my husband has had some doozies. We don’t rejoice in each other’s shortcomings, but rather, we laugh together at the silliness in life’s everyday situations.

Allow for mistakes and humor. Be open to correction and be teachable. Let your husband love all of you, not just the parts of you that you let him see.

Marriage Lesson #4: Make Time With Your Husband A Priority                  

Jobs. Church. Kids. Friends. Extended family. Life is full of distractions and responsibilities, and many of them are not at all sinful or even questionable. But are they preventing you from spending time with your husband? Of course, there are seasons of busyness we cannot or should not prevent. When I had a newborn baby, my sleep and the baby’s well-being often cut my husband out of significant portions of my day. But I was healing, and the baby was helpless.

Generally, couples must create time to be together. In the beginning it seems like your love will overcome all obstacles and distractions with no difficulty. But then life happens. This is not a big deal until it is. The problem comes into play when one of you feels neglected and you stop feeling connected to each other. Then, bickering or stonewalling begins.

It is so easy to lose the connection with your husband, but thankfully, it is also incredibly easy to avoid. Make time. Write it in your planner. Put it on the calendar. Do whatever you need to in order to show him you want to spend time with him. Does what you do together matter? Nah. Anything goes so long as it is what you both want. So, set up some deliberate time to talk, eat together, take a walk, workout, pray, make love, or whatever. Just be sure to make time for him.

Marriage Lesson #5: Get A Life

You don’t need to spend every minute together. I was really insecure in the beginning of our marriage, so I needed to be able to, like, see him at all times. The poor guy! It was a good deal for me because I was able to be with him all the time, and he’s pretty easy on the eyes, if you ask me. However, Chris probably felt persecuted just for wanting to have a hobby or do something on his own. He never said it, but I’m positive that made me less attractive. Not to mention, I was less like a partner and more like a heavy weight in our marriage.

I’ve been privileged to watch my husband take up interests over the years and now use those interests to reach other people in the hopes of sharing Christ. Despite my insistence, drinking coffee does not qualify as a hobby. So, I have finally begun writing (mostly to myself) for almost a year now. Taking time to do something that independently brings us joy and gives us a sense of accomplishment allows us to come back together with more confidence, fulfillment, and an identity that includes more than wife or husband.

Our hobbies and interests are no replacement for each other. However, they do end up adding to our marriage because they have played a part in our personal growth. Besides, how interesting is a spouse who sits around eating Cheetos and watching soap operas all day?

Marriage Lesson #6: Be A Team

I believe we can all think of a marriage we’ve seen in which the husband and wife were constantly at odds with one another. Instead of being a team, they were competitors or enemies in some cases. I hope it isn’t a hard sell to make the case that a healthy marriage shouldn’t look like that.

The Bible tells us husband and wife are one flesh (Genesis 2:24). It also instructs men to love their wives as Christ loved the Church (Ephesians 5:25) and women to submit to their husbands as unto the Lord (Ephesians 5:22). These biblical descriptions of a Christian marriage do not complement an adversarial relationship.

How can we be a team, though? Chris and I are strikingly different people in many ways. It’s a strength in our marriage, I believe, but it could have led to indifference or disagreement throughout these twelve years. We sidestep that risk successfully by approaching everything we do as a team effort even when it is not. Decisions in our home are not unilateral. Chris didn’t just start taking up weightlifting one day. He told me it was something he wanted to pursue, and I was glad to be part of the conversation. He didn’t need my permission, but now I feel like I’m a partner in this despite not picking up anything heavier than grocery bags.

When Chris went to seminary it was in addition to work and church volunteer positions. He was the one who took classes, but we were in it together. I spent all day cooking, cleaning, and caring for babies and toddlers. After Chris ate dinner, I had plenty of nights alone with two or three small children while he worked on his seminary course load. When my mom died, Chris took off work and went with me to collect my mom’s things, and he made the phone calls and inquiries for me. We did these things because being a team sometimes means helping the other person when they aren’t strong enough or able to get through that time alone.

The addition of children has also taught me the importance of being a united front. We might disagree on some parenting issues, but we don’t disagree in front of the kids. We stand in unity with each other and hammer out those details later. Our children know not ask mom if dad already gave his answer…unless his answer was, “Go, ask mom.” Thanks, Chris.

Marriage Lesson #7: Make Plans For The Future.

The doldrums of everyday life and responsibilities can make life feel lackluster if we let it. A life that feels lacking will spill over into your marriage. So, stop getting so stuck in the now and think about the future a bit. We do this in two ways. First, we think about realistic short-term plans. Our preference is planning activities or small trips. It feels good to have a small getaway or anticipated activity on the calendar.

The second way we plan for the future is to think about big, far away ideas. Some of the “plans” are not even something we are sure could happen, but why can’t we dream? Why can’t we imagine a future together where I work at Ye Olde Christmas Shoppe in Disney World? Sometimes the plans are unrealistic dreams to start, and other times we end up living them. I didn’t believe we would have left Illinois and moved for full-time pastoral work. But Chris took little steps at a time toward it, and we prayed a lot. And then we prayed a lot more. Today we are living a life we used to talk about over morning coffee or when the kids were in bed for the night. Without those conversations, I’m not sure we would have pursued this life.

Planning for the future together actively keeps you in each other’s plans, and it allows you to have conversations about hopes, dreams, likes, etc. that you may have never had otherwise. Besides, it’s fun!

Marriage Lesson #8: Start With Yourself.

Don’t you just hate it when your husband does that thing that’s super annoying? How many time do you have to roll your eyes, sigh loudly, or outright complain about it? If your husband is like mine, then the answer is at least one more time. But that’s not the point. When your husband bugs you or your marriage feels “off,” then you need to take some action. But the action is not toward your husband.

Start with yourself. How are you doing spiritually? What has bred all this discontentment? Maybe you are experiencing a legitimate reaction to something he has done, but you should still do a self-check. The more Chris bothers me, the more likely it is that I have a problem. Common areas in which I find myself struggling are prayer, Bible reading, and sinful attitudes that have been left unchecked.

My opinion of my marriage and my husband all decrease when I am spiritually out of whack (That’s a technical term, I’m sure.). So, let’s stop assuming he is the problem. He might be, but it might also be you.

Marriage Lesson #9: Communication Is Not Just Talking.

Some of us were born with the gift of gab. Our husbands have been blessed with our thoughts on everything from Prince Harry to the proper way to push in the dining chairs. My husband is probably having flashbacks reading this. Interesting fact: I talk a ton, but I communicate very little. This verse hits a little too close to home.

“In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips is wise.”

Proverbs 10:19

Like I need more opportunities to sin! I’m going to skip over that warning for today, though, and just mention that our husbands don’t need us to talk relentlessly in order to feel like we’re telling them something. They just need us to tell them something. Most husbands want to meet our needs and give us what we want, but they can’t read our minds. Sex life a bore? Tell him. Nicely. Does he do something that offends or hurts you? Explain it to him.

Maybe the issue is so small you think it isn’t worth mentioning. It is worth it. For example, maybe you can’t stand a particular restaurant, but he keeps taking you there. You don’t want to hurt his feelings, so you keep it to yourself. In reality, you’d be better off telling him. Maybe he doesn’t like it either but thought he was doing something nice for you. Maybe he loves it but can eat there less for your sake. Either way, why keep that in and give yourself opportunity to become bitter over something so insignificant?

Just be honest. Express yourself clearly, and don’t play games or make him guess.

Marriage Lesson #10: Let Go Of The Past.

Marriages don’t function well with our eyes fixed on the rearview mirror. We do this in a few ways. For one, we hold a grudge about his past offenses. You know what Jesus said about forgiveness, right? He said to forgive a whole lot of times, ladies. A whole lot.

“Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.”

Matthew 18:21-22

A second way we get stuck in the past is by not letting go of our own past sins. First John 1:9 says that if we confess our sins, He will forgive us and cleanse us of unrighteousness. With that truth, why do we keep thinking back about things we did that are forgiven? I don’t know the answer for everyone. Although, I can tell you I have twenty-six years of godlessness in my past, and I definitely get pulled into reliving events from my past and feeling terrible about what I’ve done or said. Then, I remember I’m a new creature in Christ, and the old me has passed away (2 Corinthians 5:17).

Finally, there is a temptation to think about the “what if” scenarios of our past. Life gets hard. The kids are arguing again. Your husband is working late for the fifth night in a row. And you begin to wonder about what your life would have been like if… You fill in the blank yourself. Some people have careers they never pursued, adventures never taken, or relationships that never got resolved.

This is the wrong headspace in which to be. It doesn’t help with your today, and it won’t feed your marriage with anything healthy. Leave the past in the past.

Final Thought

Twelve years is forever to some and just the beginning to others. It has afforded me enough time to make a lifetime’s worth of mistakes and to learn how to do better in the future. Twelve years has also been plenty of time to prove that I don’t always apply the lessons I learn in my marriage. I know I’m not breaking new ground with this post, but I pray it’s an encouragement or a reminder to those who read it.

I don’t have it all together, and I have made these last twelve years a lot of work for Chris. Ultimately, though, it was worth it, and it continues to be worth it. I can’t wait to see how many more marriage lessons I get to learn the hard way in the next twelve years…

Obviously, I didn’t talk about all the lessons we learn in our marriages. What did I miss? Let me know.

Image courtesy of Ben Rosett via Unsplash.