Divorce: Looking Through A Biblical Lens

Divorce isn’t really a hot topic in 2021. In fact, it hasn’t been for years. Divorce is ho-hum. It’s everyday stuff. Par for the course. Expected. Even among Bible-believing Christians, divorce is just a regular part of life. They have accepted the commonplace existence of “biblical divorce” in their churches. Statistics vary wildly concerning the frequency of divorce. The most common statistic claimed that 50% of marriages ended in divorce. Thankfully, most studies have shown that the rate is significantly lower. However, nailing down something exact has been difficult.

Currently, studies are citing divorce rates somewhere in the thirties. This Business Insider article puts it at 39%. As for Christians, The Pew Research Center reports that 32% of separated or divorced people attend religious services at least once a week. Consequently, it looks like divorce in the Church is just as frequent as outside of it. Why? Well, divorce is complicated, and there is rarely a single reason for it. A lot of factors come into play. My thought, though, is Christians have adopted the secular worldview to some extent for divorce much like they have for fornication and LGBTQ+ ideas. This acceptance of a non-Christian worldview has led to more willingness to divorce.

Just A Friendly Reminder

So, what are we to do? I’d like to dive into the Word a bit and see what Scripture has to say on this heavy, touchy, debated, and important topic. However, this is not an exhaustive discussion on divorce. I won’t be digging into obscure scenarios or getting into the Greek and Hebrew. Instead, I’d like to look at three particular sections of Scripture concerning divorce in order to give us some footing on this subject for future study and discussions.

1. Mark 10:2-12

“And the Pharisees came to him, and asked him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife? tempting him. And he answered and said unto them, What did Moses command you? And they said, Moses suffered to write a bill of divorcement, and to put her away. And Jesus answered and said unto them, For the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept. But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. And in the house his disciples asked him again of the same matter. And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her. And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery.”

Divorce For Hard Hearts

Mark 10 opens with the Pharisees doing what they love to do best…trying to trip up Jesus. (Good luck, guys.) They want to know if divorce is lawful, and Jesus refers to Moses. Moses did give them the ability to divorce, but Jesus takes the response further than a simple “yes” or “no.”

Jesus refers to their “hardness of heart,” but what does that mean? As with everything regarding divorce, it is contested to some degree, but my understanding is that it refers to the men of Israel and their unwillingness to remain with their wives. Thus, due to those hard hearts that were not softened toward their marriages and God’s design for those marriages, Moses “suffered” to make the precept.

God’s Plan For Divorce

Jesus continued His explanation to the Pharisees by going back to the beginning. The very beginning. He reminds them that God created man and woman, and they were to leave their families and be joined as “one flesh.” Yes, some people simplify the term “one flesh” to refer solely to sexual intimacy, but that isn’t the whole picture. Married people are not just two individuals any longer. Rather, they are a joined unit, two parts of a whole.

What happens when we try to break apart two things that are joined together in some permanent state? Both are broken and changed forever. Asunder means to divide or separate, but it also has the connotation of those actions having a violent or forceful element to them. Ultimately, Jesus says don’t do it. God’s design for marriage did not include divorce. It’s not His ideal, and it will cause harm.

Suggestion: If you haven’t seen it, watch the movie Fireproof starring Kirk Cameron. There is a scene describing divorce with salt and pepper shakers that have been glued together. It’s a clear and understandable object lesson about “putting asunder,” and the movie is really good…in my opinion.

Remarriage After Divorce

Jesus continues discussing divorce privately with His disciples and broaches the topic of remarriage. We’ll address it again in other Scriptures, but He clearly speaks against it in Mark 10. Christ plainly states that remarriage after divorce is adultery committed against the previous spouse. Adultery is unarguably a sin. Therefore, Jesus, without question, is speaking against remarriage here. We also see this position backed up in Luke 16.

“Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery.”

Luke 16:18

Remarriage After Death

Romans 7 and 1 Corinthians 7 add to this idea by supporting no remarriage after divorce, but they add the permission to remarry if the spouse has died.

“For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband. So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to another man.”

Romans 7:2-3

“The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.”

1 Corinthians 7:39

Thankfully, the Bible has more to say on divorce because people often have more questions on the subject, especially concerning remarriage. Let’s move on.

2. Matthew 19:3-9

“The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause? And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away? He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so. And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.” (emphasis mine)

When Can A Christian Divorce?

You might have noticed that these verses are strikingly similar to Mark 10. I want to park here anyway, though, because Matthew 19 has three big additions to Mark 10 that we need to address.

The Pharisees in this section of Scripture ask about divorce “for every cause.” Essentially, can we just divorce for any reason we want? America pretty much does this now with no-fault divorce and “irreconcilable differences.” As in Mark 10, we see Jesus explain God did not make marriage for divorce. But He continues with an addition.

Verse 9 opens the door for divorce under one circumstance: fornication (usually referenced here as adultery). If a spouse cheats, then you can divorce. That is the first addition to Mark 10. The second addition is the unspoken response to the original question. Can you divorce for any reason? No, you may not because the only given exception here is unfaithfulness.

When Can You Remarry After Divorce?

The third addition to Mark 10 has to do with remarriage. Jesus already called remarriage adultery in Mark 10:11-12, but in Matthew 19:9 He makes the exception for remarriage in the event of a cheating spouse.

DEBATE ALERT! Matthew 19:9 is hotly contested. Some argue that the clause “except it be for fornication” only modifies what comes before it, not after it. If that is the case, then fornication is permitting the divorce but not remarriage. Both sides of this argument are trying to best understand God’s will, so no matter where you stand on it – be kind.

Supporting Scripture For Divorce

Matthew 5 offers a similar teaching to Matthew 19. It appears that divorce and remarriage are permitted in cases of adultery. Though, again, many would argue remarriage is still not permitted.

“It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.”

Matthew 5:31-32

Now, let’s make one more stop.

3. 1 Corinthians 7:10-16

“And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife. But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace. For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?”

God Doesn’t Encourage Divorce

This section of Scripture begins with a command. Don’t get divorced. If you do get divorced, don’t remarry, but instead, try to get back together. Do you know what I see here? I see a God of reconciliation. Seeing as Christ was the sacrifice for our sins in order to reconcile us with the Father, we shouldn’t be surprised.

The Lord tells us not to divorce. Yet, if we do, He instructs us to leave the door open for reunion. Our God may permit divorce in particular circumstances, but He makes it clear time and again that He does not desire it.

Divorce And The Unbelieving Spouse

You might have heard that Christians ought not be unequally yoked. In other words, believers shouldn’t marry unbelievers. I’ve personally witnessed marriages struggle in this very scenario, and it is easy to understand why a Christian may feel they should divorce. However, Paul tells us to stay so long as the unbelieving spouse wants to stay. In fact, the unbelieving spouse is “sanctified” by remaining married to the believer. This doesn’t mean they are saved, but the unbeliever is in a set apart environment that allows for Christian influence. Verse 16 even suggests the possibility that the marriage may influence the unbelieving spouse toward Christ and salvation. We see Peter say something similar in 1 Peter 3:1 when he tells wives to stay with their unsaved husbands because a wife may end up leading her husband to Christ.

The Unbelieving Spouse Can Divorce

If the unbelieving spouse wants to leave, then the Christian should let him. Paul tells us we are no longer “under bondage” in that marriage. Some people refer to this divorce exception as abandonment or desertion.

No longer being bound to this marriage leads many to believe that it paves the way for remarriage. Would you be surprised to hear that many other people disagree? I suggest you draw your own conclusions, but I am inclined to believe remarriage is, in fact, on the table.

Unpopular Reminder: This is a discussion of a Christian married to an unbeliever, and there is no instruction here regarding a Christian leaving a Christian. Because of that, I am not addressing that scenario. For today, I’d rather stick to clear Biblical teaching.

But What About Abuse?

You might notice I haven’t mentioned cases of abuse once. Well, that’s because the Bible doesn’t either. Of course, that doesn’t mean I think anyone should stay in an abusive marriage. Absolutely not! That said, there just isn’t a clear guideline on abuse concerning divorce. A reference I often see, though, is Exodus 21.

“If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish. And if he do not these three unto her, then shall she go out free without money.”

Exodus 21:10-11

Essentially, if a husband neglects his wife and/or won’t have sex with her, then she can leave. Many make the argument that these verses address abuse, as well. I’m sorry, but I don’t see that. Additionally, I’m not convinced we should turn to Old Testament law for our marriage advice. If I may be bold, why not also apply the part of verse 10 that describes the husband taking on more than one wife? Oh, and by the way, this wife is really a concubine…

Ultimately, no matter the circumstance of these verses, we aren’t under these laws thanks to Christ’s work on the cross. Using these verses for abuse cases is a heavy-handed job of cherry picking.

My Unpopular Opinion On Abuse And Divorce

As far as I’m concerned (And hey, these are my thoughts, not “thus saith the Lord.”), abuse might not be a divorce exception in and of itself. Something hardly anyone talks about is separation. For safety, for boundaries, and as a way to admonish the offending partner, the innocent person should without a doubt leave the home. In some cases, reconciliation may be possible. Truly, some people can become a godly spouse after committing abuse.

What if he doesn’t work on it? What if he stays the same? These are hard questions with no perfect answers. Every case is unique and should be treated as such. However, until it is safe, at a bare minimum, you cannot live together. If he really won’t/can’t change, then he will move on from the marriage. He will cheat, or he will proceed with divorce. In those cases, you are free to let him go. (As I said earlier, I won’t get into extreme/obscure scenarios. This is for a general discussion.)

I’ll tell you what else. This imaginary guy doesn’t sound like a believer to me. You might be free “from bondage” to this marriage because your “Christian” husband was a fraud. But can you see how my first thought isn’t divorce? Ladies, be careful about seeking advice for your marriage. All too often ladies start calling a husband who is apathetic and lazy a neglectful abuser, and the wife is encouraged to divorce. Take a step back and consider the truths of your situation, and run, don’t walk, if there is physical abuse. Your health and safety is not a sin. His abuse is.

Summary: What Does The Bible Explicitly Say About Divorce/Remarriage?

1. God did not design marriage to end in divorce.

2. God granted divorce because of man’s hardness of heart, not God’s desire for it.

3. Try to reconcile.

4. Divorce is permissible in cases of adultery, not mandatory.

5. If an unbelieving spouse wants to leave, let him. You are free from that marriage

6. Remarriage is permissible after a divorce caused by adultery.

7. Remarriage is permissible after an unbelieving spouse divorces you.

8. Remarriage is permissible after a spouse dies.

9. Continue marriage to an unbelieving spouse if he will stay.

Final Thought

God designed a beautiful relationship between man and woman. We have the opportunity, as Christians, to display Christ’s love and unique relationship with the Church through our relationship with our husbands (Ephesians 5:22-32). However, we live in a fallen world filled with sin. Two imperfect people get hitched and bring all their baggage and sin nature to the relationship. What could go wrong? So, so much.

We need to work on your marriages, and we should obey God and His design for the marital relationship. And forgive. Like, forgive a lot. It’s naïve to think that’s enough, though, for a picture perfect marriage. Some women do all this, and their husbands are unresponsive and make life difficult and stressful. But God didn’t promise perfect marriages. He didn’t even promise happy ones. They take work, prayer, and a lifetime.

Divorce happens. It happens to Christians and everyone else, too. There’s a good chance your divorce, if you had one, is within biblical guidelines. But what if it wasn’t? If you cannot reconcile with your ex, then take it to God and move forward knowing you are forgiven. Christians can sometimes treat divorced people like untouchables, but what they need is love and support no matter the circumstance of the divorce. Christians, divorce is not the unforgivable sin. In fact, sometimes it was no sin at all.

Let me finish by reminding us all, though, that most marriages don’t require divorce. I might say that there are biblically permissible divorces but no biblical divorces. You see, God may allow it, but He desires reconciliation. Pray for your own marriage, and pray for the marriages around you, too. Marriage is hard work, but it’s a blessing unlike any other.

What is your understanding of biblical divorce? Have you seen it play out in your church?

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