Your Child’s Outward Obedience Isn’t The Goal

Having kids is rough. It’s a great privilege and joy, but it comes with a lot of tears and challenges. One of the biggest struggles parents face often comes from outside the family. Judgment. Moms know the looks, snickers, and “helpful” suggestions well. Everyone has an opinion on how everybody else is doing as a parent, and the pressure can feel overwhelming. The moms with the best behaved kids are held in high regard, and that leads parents to focus primarily on outward obedience and what people can see. However, what if I told you that outward obedience isn’t the goal of parenting?

Outward Obedience Is An Essential Part Of Parenting

Early in my parenting, I was told by several different people that first-time obedience is a must. Other parents encouraged me to ensure my children obeyed the first time at all costs. It seemed unreasonable to me at first because I’m not sure I ever did what my parents said the first time they said it.

Later, though, it made sense. My children needed to learn to obey their authority figures just as we all must learn to obey our Heavenly Father. Then, of course, there was the safety issue. If my children didn’t obey me the first time I gave them an instruction, they could be seriously hurt. Imagine a child running toward the road. The mother yells out for her child to stop and stay out of the street, but he ignores her because she always asks multiple times if she really means it. This time, sadly, his mother has no opportunity to repeat her instruction because he’s hit by a car.

All right. I admit that’s a little (maybe a lot) dramatic, but do not think that children stay safe by refusing to obey clear commands from their parents.

There is another very important reason for our children to obey their parents that we’d be fools to ignore. God says so.

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’ (this is the first commandment with a promise), ‘that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.’”

Ephesians 6:1-3

“Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.”

Colossians 3:20

So, it’s clear to us, right? God commands children to obey their parents. Moreover, we can make the argument that a child’s obedience isn’t truly obedience if a parent needs to tell that child several times before he will obey, essentially begging. But, as parents, we need to check our motivations. Are we pushing for obedience because God says so and it’s best for our children? Or are we mostly concerned about how we look as parents?

Outward Obedience Makes Me Look Good

Why did you act like that at church today? That was so embarrassing! I’m sure everyone is talking about us right now!

I’ve said something like this more than once over the years because my kids’ disobedient behavior pushed me over the edge. Sure, it’was bad enough that they were disobedient, but people saw them act that way. That made me look like I’m a bad mom. Well, that’s what I fear, at least. And let’s not forget about all those mothers walking around with perfectly behaved children making me look bad.

Do you hear the pride at the root of all this? It’s an easy ditch to veer off into when we train our children to be obedient. Here is the worst part of this comparison trap and the desire for outward obedience… It doesn’t tell the whole story.

Performers All Around

Churches are filled with performers. There are people in church acting like Christians who have never actually been born again. And you’ll see women serve meals at fellowship gatherings with a big ol’ smile on their faces who would rather be anywhere but there. Some members laugh and tell jokes, making everyone feel at ease. Yet, those same people struggle silently with anxiety and depression. And, yes, perfect families who model #relationshipgoals and have wonderfully sweet and obedient children are struggling with mean-spirited words, willful disobedience at home, and/or a cold marriage. At church, though, they play the part they know the audience congregants expect.

Not everything we see is the truth. That’s a whole conversation on its own, but for now, let’s just acknowledge that what we see on the outside is not always the whole story. So, friend, when your child, or anyone else’s, displays outward obedience, that child may be covering up important issues. I wonder how many parents have sent their children into the world as adults feeling secure that they have a strong faith, discernment, and a good head on their shoulders only to realize much later that the outward obedience hid a world of sin and personal struggle.

A Parent’s Plan Of Attack

What’s a mom to do? When our children are disobedient, we may feel discouraged and concerned about them. On the other hand, now I’m suggesting that the outward obedience that makes you feel comfortable might be a facade. Let’s be honest with ourselves and admit that we can all be convincing performers when we know what others expect from us. And guess what…our children can do the same.

Make An Honest Assessment Of Your Outwardly Obedient Child

If you have a child who you could easily describe as obedient, then I join with you in thanking God. Obedient children can be such a blessing. This becomes abundantly clear when a less obedient child comes along. However, I encourage you not to be complacent or prideful. Take inventory of who your child is and what he is telling you through all of his words and actions.

Fireproof, a Kendrick brothers film, does an excellent job displaying what it looks like when someone has very little character despite acting like a decent person. The male lead, played by Kirk Cameron, is a firefighter who hoards his money for a boat he longs to buy, is unhelpful at home, speaks with contempt to his wife, and attempts to hide his porn habit. After his half-hearted attempts to reconcile with her, his wife points out that his real self is revealed in who he is when he is alone not by the disingenuous attempts he makes to be nice to her.

We can take that same line of thinking while we’re raising our children. They might say the right words and do the right things when we’re around, but who are they when we’re not there? I knew some of the most foul-mouthed kids who drank and smoked while I was growing up. Their parents, however, had no clue because these kids were perfect little angels when adults were nearby. Outward behavior in their parents’ presence was enough to convince the parents their children were “good.”

But I know for a fact that no parent is satisfied if her children grow up to be adults with bad character who bring negative consequences upon themselves and others but are really great at pretending to be “good people.” This just isn’t the goal. So, let’s try to help our kids be more than outwardly obedient. Let’s reach the heart. But how?

Practical Steps

1. Build a relationship

Invest real time in your child. Sit and talk to him about his interests, cares, and concerns. This sounds a little awkward, but it isn’t if you foster an open dialogue early in the parent-child relationship. It should go without saying that your chats with a nine-year-old will be very different from the ones you have with a teenager, but don’t discount them. They lay the groundwork for the relationship you’ll have with one another when they are older.

When you have a safe relationship in which to share doubts and real concerns, you will inevitably know your child better. This knowledge is crucial for understanding where his obedience comes from and how to guide him.

2. Model biblical obedience

The common expression states, “You can’t teach what you don’t know.” Do you know how to obey God and what He expects from His followers? If you don’t, then find out. You need to study, talk to your pastor, work with a mentor, etc. But figure it out somehow because you can’t expect your children to be obedient if you don’t actually know what you’re asking them to do.

The other problem you may encounter here is that you absolutely do know what biblical obedience looks like, yet you just don’t live it out. I don’t want to pick on anyone, but hypocrisy is one of the biggest complaints about Christians from those outside the Church (Matther 7: 1-5; Matthew 15:7-9). Don’t you think your children will struggle to be obedient if you don’t model obedience yourself? And how much less likely are they to have hearts for God when you don’t appear to?

3. Expect obedience but explain why

This is only my opinion, but I think that there is an entire generation of Christians who pushed away their children and brought them to wrath (Ephesians 6:4) by expecting blind faith and obedience. Forcing our children to obey because “God says so,” “that’s what pastor says,” “that’s what Christians do (or don’t do),” and “you must do what I say” are great ways to build a shaky foundation in a child’s spiritual understanding. Those reasons don not provide enough information for someone to understand the Lord and to feel motivated to obey. Peter said:

“but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect,”

1 Peter 3:15

All believers need to have their own faith, a first-generation believer testimony. Moreover, they need to grow in their knowledge of the Lord and truly know why they worship as they do. Yes, this helps witness to others, but y’all, sometimes we need to witness to ourselves when doubt and uncertainty creep in.

A child’s outward obedience without understanding is spiritually empty. We set them up for a miserable and possibly failed spiritual life if we force blind obedience down his throat.

4. Pray

You knew this was coming, I suppose. It should be number one on every list, but I think it usually comes later in most situations. We think we can do things in our own strength and are met with frustration and disappointment. When it comes to raising our children, what we interpret as our failures can also feel heartbreaking. So, what should we do? We pray and ask God to give us wisdom and to work in their lives.

5. Let God work on your children

This hardest part of Christian parenting might be stepping back and not interfering with God’s work. His work in our children’s lives may include failure, struggle, anger, and loss. Okay, I say “may include,” but I should have said “will include.” Of course, God will also faithfully give blessings because He bestows them daily. Doubt that? Then, who else are you going to thank for the breath in your lungs, the changing seasons, your loved ones, health, etc.? All that, and so much more, are gifts to us every single day. Can you stop yourself from interfering, though, when you have a child experiencing less blessing and more trial?

In order for your children’s outward obedience to grow into more than just behavioral modification, remember that you don’t always know best. Parents are inclined to protect their kids from hurt and difficulty, but it’s best if we allow real life consequences to enter their lives. Meanwhile, we pray and trust the Lord to be with them through it.

Final Thought  

Outward obedience is important, but we can even train animals to obey that way. Our children’s souls need more than to essentially be trained like circus animals. They need heart change and an obedience that comes from a desire to serve and obey the Lord. Teach them and train them up with that in mind. Don’t be satisfied with what you see. Rather, moms, get to really know your children and mentor them. Remember our goal is to bring them up in the knowledge of the Lord not in the knowledge of putting on a convincing show.

Have you struggled with this as a parent? How have you worked through it?

Image courtesy of Jonathan Borba via Unsplash.