6 Things Good Men Look For In A Woman

I’ve been married to my husband for sixteen years. I’m not sure how I tricked him into marrying me, but we’ve gone on to have five children and walked through a lot of significant life changes together over those years. I consider myself among those who are actually happily married, and although I’m probably definitely not the living embodiment of my husband’s perfect woman, he seems to love me. Like, for real! This train of thought got me thinking more broadly about marriage and what men want. What do good men look for in a woman? And are they finding it?

The State Of Marriage

You might wonder why I am jumping to marriage, but look carefully at the title of this blog post. I’m not concerned with what men, generally, like to see in a romantic partner. Instead, I want to know what good men look for in a woman, and good men aren’t trying to play house and avoid commitment. A good man wants to get married and raise a family. And because of the nature of The Set-Apart Walk, I’m zooming in on Christian men.

Marriage statistics are all over the place, especially when we break down the information by subgroups. On the other hand, they can, at the very least, offer us some idea of what is going on culturally. For instance, according to a 2018 Census Bureau report, approximately 1 in 3 (35%) of men between 24 and 35 years old were married. Thirteen years earlier, half (50%) of all men in that age category were married.

Christians aren’t immune to this decreasing interest in marriage. Researchers collecting data collected in 2014 for the Austin Institute found 56% of evangelicals between 20 and 39 were married. Four years later the marriage rate fell to 51%. Believers may be more willing to marry, but their numbers are dropping…and faster.

Why So Slow To Marry?

I think it is commonly understood that both men and women are waiting longer to get married. Women choose to pursue careers, couples cohabitate, and couples avoid labels with terms like “talking phase” and “situationship.” I believe there is another factor at play that doesn’t have data behind it yet, but we all see it unfolding in real time. Women aren’t offering what men want.

Sexual Immorality

Sexual immorality is one of the most obvious issues. Perhaps in an attempt to cater to what men want, women are inadvertently becoming disposable and undesirable. A woman who thinks she’s displaying her confidence and attractiveness on her Only Fans account, for example, is actually scaring away good men. Participating in sex acts for money online will undoubtedly attract men but the wrong ones.

Public sexual immorality isn’t the only roadblock for women in search of a husband. Cohabitation and consensual sexual activity with boyfriends don’t inspire married bliss. You’re giving him what a wife will but with low commitment. Why would any man want to marry a woman who doesn’t require marriage in order to act like his wife? And why would a good man choose to pursue a woman who is so easily captured, if you catch my drift?

This all sounds puritanical and “out of touch,” but that’s only because the culture continues to drift deeper into sin. The world doesn’t just permit sin. It encourages it. And before you blow your top, men are just as responsible for their own sexual purity, but I’m chatting with women here. Let’s keep our focus on what we can control. Ourselves.

Purity Isn’t The Only Thing Good Men Look For In A Woman

Sexual morality isn’t the only area in which women fumble in the search for “the one.” Good men are looking for so much more, and it boils down to character. Angry feminists who demonize men and conservative values need not apply. If only it were as obvious as that, though! Some of the areas we need to improve don’t even seem like a big deal to us, but good men know a lifetime is a long time to spend with someone who lacks the character and maturity needed to have a loving, healthy, and God-centered marriage.

This Is What Good Men Look For In A Woman

This could be a very, very, very long list. Every man you speak to will have something new to add or a twist on what we already know. One thing every good Christian man should be looking for, though, is a Christian woman. So, I’m leaving this off my list assuming it is a given. Whether she’s only been a believer for three months when she gets married (like I was) or three decades, it’s imperative to be equally yoked. But what else?

1. Loyalty

To my surprise, it wasn’t my sparkling personality that won my husband over.

He knew I had his back, and he didn’t have to worry about me being untrustworthy. Now, I won’t speak for my husband, but I think a woman who can’t be trusted to be true to her man is, at best a headache, but more likely a source of shame, hurt, and embarrassment.

This shouldn’t be a surprising addition to our list, but women are coming of age in a time and place that celebrates overt sexuality, unapologetically seeking to please self and satisfy our urges, and creating meaningful and deep relationships with other men. In that environment, loyalty is a tough commodity to come by.

2. Financial Responsibility With Family Funds

Social media influencers have found an endless source of income in you and me. We scroll and watch as everyone’s lives seem so much better than our own. The makeup is beautiful. The clothes are gorgeous. Homes are enormous. Marriages seem like #relationshipgoals. How can we possibly have an aspirational life like the ones we’ve seen online? No worries. Those social media influencers have a link to all the products they use, counselors they speak to, and even offer an online workshop at a price high enough that they need to call the purchase an “investment.”

Women seem to be especially vulnerable to these sales tactics. Keeping up with one’s friends (online and in real life) is worth the money to them. If it’s not social media, then it’s peers, celebrities, etc. Good men aren’t looking for a woman who will spend money on selfish and frivolous things. If she marries, will she be able to put aside her wants and need for immediate gratification in order to serve her family?

Both husbands and wives have to be willing to sacrifice wants and handle their money with their family in mind. It’s a red flag to a man when the woman he is interested in spends her money foolishly and doesn’t plan ahead. Yes, as a single woman it may not be such a big deal, but what guarantee does he have that you will change after making your vows?

3. Knows Her Mind And How To Speak It

Contrary to the stereotype, most Christian men aren’t actually looking for a mute woman who has no independent thoughts of her own.

Good men look for women who are intelligent and able to express themselves. On the other hand, they don’t want someone who expresses herself in an inappropriate manner. Here’s what I mean. Imagine a woman who says something true and worthy of being said, but she says it with venom on her lips. Rather than being gentle and considerate, she cuts people down and says things recklessly. I mean, you can’t really take someone like that out in public, can you? She’s constantly embarrassing her partner and hurting relationships.

Modern women seem to think that any criticism of their tone and messaging is somehow an oppressive force working against their freedom of speech. No, dear. People just want you to have class and to treat others well. A good man wants you to have a brain, but he wants you to use it before you speak, too.

4. Wise Media Choices

No music, movie, or book is completely benign. Everything we consume with our eyes and ears affects us in some way. Of course, it’s impossible to never see or hear something that is not edifying. At the same time, don’t go look for it. A more recent example of poor media choices women are making loudly and proudly concerns books. If I’m not mistaken, a lot of the current book trends originate from BookTok. Essentially, women on TikTok hype up books they’re reading and hordes of women run out to read the same books.

As a reader, I find this offensive because a lot of the books are just slop. If you’re going to read, then read something well-written, you know? More importantly, the content of these books is often sexually graphic. Basically, the most popular and heavily advertised books right now are verbal pornography.

A good man wants to be with a woman who enjoys things that encourage her walk with the Lord. He will also want a woman who fantasizes about him, not other men. Even if they’re fictional.

Remember what the Bible says about what we ought to spend our time thinking about. Does your media consumption reflect Philippians?

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

Philippians 4:8

5. Makes Home A Refuge

After a long day, does a man want to come home to more hardship? Doubtful. A Christian man out in the workforce is facing unbelieving people and influences all day. He has common difficulties with his boss and/or particular coworkers. So, pulling into the driveway should feel like a relief. Weight should roll of his shoulders as he walks in, knowing the woman (and children) there will be glad to see him.

Good men don’t want to marry a woman who can’t provide him the encouragement and support he needs. Of course, hopefully, we can all accept that no one will do this perfectly. I can remember plenty of times that my husband came home to a frazzled and emotional wife. I needed help. Specifically, I needed him. I imagine even that feels better, though, than coming home to me icing him out and tearing him down.

I think the overall goal concerning the home is to make it a place your husband wants be. Figure out what he needs for that to be true and make it happen.

6. Sexually Responsive

I know we started this whole conversation with a warning that good men don’t look for sexually immoral women, yet here we are again. Well, we’re talking about what good men look for in a woman. So, we’re referring to sexual responsiveness in marriage. Admittedly, this is more difficult for either of you to know much about before marriage. Who knows how you’ll respond in the first year of marriage, let alone three kids deep. Therefore, take the knowledge that sex is an essential part of marriage with you and be ready to work on it.

Just don’t forget that it’s all right to say “not tonight.” That might be a hot take to some of you, but even your husband can’t force himself on you. The problem comes, however, when he feels consistently rejected. Make intimacy a priority, and make sure he knows he’s who you want. That sounds a little silly to me as I write this because I think it should be obvious. But imagine the situation reversed. Most women would be devastated if their husbands kept turning down all their romantic advances. Men need that assurance, too, and sexual intimacy is a marriage-specific way to ensure he knows you love him.

Final Thought

This is a simplistic list, isn’t it? What do good men look for in a woman? They look for a decent woman with godly character who loves only them. At the end of the day, that’s all this list is really saying. If you’re looking for a good man, then adopt these qualities and priorities. On the other hand, if you’re not interested in attracting a good man, then do what the rest of the world is doing. Go ahead and be like the average American woman. Just don’t expect a godly man to be drawn to starting a relationship with you.

What do you think good men look for in a woman?

Image courtesy of Carly Rae Hobbins via Unsplash.