Stop Being Weird About Single Christians In The Church

I was a single Christian for three months, and I was engaged for two of those months. Therefore, my experience as an unmarried believer is limited. If I’m completely honest with you, and you know I will be, I didn’t think much about singles in the Church all that often until about six years ago. I began to see young people getting married and others, well, not. More importantly, I saw how eager everyone was for the singles to get paired off. (This includes me, by the way.) Predictably, this sent me down a rabbit hole in search of more information about single Christians. I have some thoughts, but I can sum up all of them with a single sentence. Stop being weird about single Christians in the Church.

How The Church Views Single Christians

Before I jump in, read the following observations as generalities. It’s unreasonable to expect I can speak accurately about every individual person.

Although I have seen plenty of love over the years for single Christians, I’ve encountered some troubling things. Where? I have belonged to a handful of churches that were Independent Baptist or Southern Baptist. I have also had the privilege of visiting a fair number of churches as my husband did itinerate preaching while he was in seminary. As a pastor’s wife, I’m also privy to other churches’ private information from time to time, and don’t forget the online community for Christian women. There’s almost nothing a Christian woman won’t say while sitting at her keyboard!

Are Single Christians A Little Less Than?

The overall vibe I get from the Church regarding single Christians is discomfort. This discomfort stems from several beliefs. The first belief is that singleness is something to mourn over. Truth be told, most Christian women would like to find a husband, and there are likely times when being single feels lonely. However, single Christians are not living life in a deficit because they don’t have a romantic partner. We don’t need to pity them.

The second negative belief is that a single Christian’s life is a little less valuable than a Christian with a family. I’ve never met anyone who would say that out loud, but I’ve definitely met people who say it with their actions and attitudes.

My church is heavily connected to a Christian camp in the area. Many of our church members support it financially, volunteer, attend events, send their children, and work there. By the nature of camp life, many members of the staff are young singles. This second belief about single Christians would suggest none of the single summer staff did anything with as much inherent value and significance as me. I am a wife and mother, after all. You can’t see how dramatic my eye rolling is right now, but it’s cartoonishly big. I hope your eyes are doing this, too.

Don’t You Dare Believe This

The third belief is the worst. Some in the Church believe single Christians sit beneath married Christians on God’s hierarchy. I’ve literally heard women say that single Christian women aren’t fulfilling God’s calling on their lives. These judgmental sacks of self-righteousness dared to say they knew God’s plan and call on everyone else’s lives. And, lo and behold, that call is the exact same one they had.

Let’s unpack that quickly. God commanded Adam and Eve to multiply and fill the Earth (Genesis 1:28) after giving Eve to Adam to be his wife. Obviously, this command for mankind has to continue or else humans cease to exist. So, I’m not suggesting that God doesn’t want Christian families.

The New Testament also highlights marriage’s importance by explaining God made marriage to be a picture of Christ and the Church (Ephesians 5:22-32), therefore, we can safely assume that marriage and family play an important role in God’s plan. Does that mean every person will get married and have babies? No. Welcome to a fallen world, you guys. Some people never meet a suitable partner. Others do but can’t have babies. Then again, there are those who marry someone who ends up making life difficult or turns out to be dangerous.

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth

Wolgemuth is an extreme example of a woman who didn’t marry and, nonetheless, God used for significant work in the Church. She went by Nancy Leigh DeMoss for fifty-six years until she married a widower and friend named Robert Wolgemuth. If you don’t know how they got together, then you should read her synopsis of what happened HERE. It’s a sweet story, but it isn’t a tale of a single Christian woman tearfully waiting to fulfill God’s calling on her life until a man came along. She embraced the life God had given her, becoming a well-known author and speaker. She’s a fantastic example of a woman who trusted the Lord even though her life didn’t look the way others would have expected.

Though I do believe most Christians will marry and raise a family, I think we see God use single Christians in a myriad of ways. Moreover, even though most Christians end up married, the timing and road to marriage can look quite different from Christian to Christian. One of my closest friends was twenty-one and in Bible college when she got married. Other friends were in their thirties and in no rush. I was a Christian for three months and married at twenty-six. Don’t assume a cookie cutter marriage story for Christians, or for that matter, for how He will use us to serve Him. We all stand equal at the cross whether or not we’re married.

What’s A Church To Do With Single Christians?

Another reason churches are uncomfortable with single Christians is that church leadership doesn’t know what to do with them. A common complaint I have heard from single Christians is that church feels like it’s a club for families and they feel left out or even neglected.

What can churches do to remedy this? It’s not all that difficult, actually.

1. Minister To Single Christians

A ministry for singles? What? No way!

If singles aren’t being ignored, they’re being treated like they have nothing but time to serve everyone else. Who’s ministering to them? I can’t tell you what ministry your singles need because, get ready for me to blow your mind, not all single Christians have the same needs.

Your church may benefit from a Bible study for singles, or perhaps they need organized fellowship opportunities more than another Bible study time. Another encouraging ministry is mentorship. Without a doubt, there are some Titus 2 women in your church who can reach out to the single women for a coffee date. A simple gesture and an active interest in a person can be the difference between discouragement and feeling seen and loved.

2. Invite Single Christians To Serve

Singles may not automatically see where they fit in at church. Help them find a place to serve. This, however, does not mean sticking them into any hole in ministry you have at the time. Take it seriously by observing their strengths and weaknesses. Discuss their spiritual gifts with them.

3. Don’t Make Everything About Couples/Families

Without thinking, a church can marginalize single Christians by making events couples-focused. For example, your church might have a Valentine’s Day party. That’s fine, but does it exclude singles? If it is open to single Christians, do they feel included? Churches don’t need to cater to singles at all times but keep them in mind as you plan events and ministries. Make sure they feel like they have a place in your church, too.

4. Don’t Play Matchmaker

Single Christians aren’t necessarily desperate to meet potential matches. So, meeting a single Christian doesn’t mean you should try to get her together with your handsome grandson. See past her romantic status and offer potential matches if she expresses an interest. Otherwise, you’re meddling and it’s bound to feel uncomfortable.

Single Christians, Don’t Play The Victim

Single Christians, I know the Church doesn’t always treat you well, and yes, they act pretty weird about you. On the flip side, y’all need to stand up and make your needs known. The Church clearly doesn’t know what to do with you, so offer some assistance. Moreover, don’t let being single cause you to push the pause button on your life. If you’re waiting to find a spouse, then serve while you wait and go on living your life in His will.

1. Serve

As I just said, you can serve even if you’re praying for God to bring you a partner. As a single person, you’ll have the freedom to minister in whichever way you choose. This is a wonderful time to grow in your faith and sharpen your skills in ministry. Not sure what your spiritual gifts are? Ask church leadership to help you figure it out.

Keep in mind that you might be developing into the person you need to be to marry your future spouse. My husband and I talked about marriage before we were saved, but neither one of us would have been ready to get married then. God did a lot of work on us before that day came. At the time, it was sad for me to be alone again (he dumped me to get saved), but God knew what was best for us. My husband served in his church while we were apart. Meanwhile, I was saved a year later and accepted the likelihood of lifelong singleness. Apparently, God had other plans for me. Who knows what He has waiting for you.

2. Pray For Others

If you can’t think of any ministry in which to serve, remember prayer. We all can and should pray. Think about the people around you and how you can come to the Lord in prayer for them. A great approach to this would be to ask people in your church how you can pray for them. This allows you to get to know them, they will get to know you, and maybe you’ll have some new friends, too.

Prayer and making connections? Two birds, one stone!

3. Develop Skills For Marriage

No one enters marriage and suddenly has the skills needed for a healthy marital relationship. Consider developing those now. Even if marriage isn’t in your future, these skills will serve you well in any relationship. Work on communication, listening, forgiveness, and selfless service. There are plenty of practical skills you can work on, as well. Practice cooking, home maintenance, budgeting, and cleaning.

4. Find A Mentor

Every Christian can benefit from a mentor. There’s always someone a little further ahead in their spiritual walk with wisdom and encouragement to share. She can also help bridge the gap you might be feeling between the married women and yourself. Additionally, don’t fall for the notion that your friends can only be your age. An older woman (Think: Titus 2) can end up being an unexpected yet dear friend.

5. Find Community

Don’t wait for people to come to you. If you want to build relationships, make the first move. Put yourself out there and invite other people over for a meal or coffee. It’s possible the people at church assume you aren’t interested in getting to know them.

6. Help The Church Start A Ministry For Single Christians

A common complaint among singles in the Church is that there aren’t any ministries for them. That’s a fair criticism, but what are you going to do about it? Help start up that ministry in your church. If it doesn’t exist, then that’s probably because no one felt passionate about it. Perhaps nobody knew what to do for single Christians. Be the person who gets things moving.

Final Thought

The Church is for believers. All of them. Unfortunately, it doesn’t feel that way for many single Christians. I don’t doubt that most Christians mean well or at least have no ill will toward singles, but is the Church remembering their unique needs and challenges? This is not something a local church can’t come back from. Let’s engage with our single brothers and sisters with a little more compassion and interest. Most importantly, don’t lose sight of who they really are. Their identity is in Christ, not in singleness.

What does your church do to minister to single Christians?

Image courtesy of Priscilla Du Preez via Unsplash.