No, Women Can’t Have It All

Men have been plagued by a mystery that is nearly as old as time. What do women want? The answer is actually quite simple. Everything. Women want everything. And it is the Herculean attempt to make everything a reality that makes modern women so woefully dissatisfied. We have more available to us than in any other time in history, and we still can’t seem to be content. Women can’t have it all, and it’s about time they embrace that.

Being Sold A Lie

At some point women were told they could do anything they desired. In fact, they were not only told they could, but they were told they must do it all because…feminism. It seems, though, as if no one stopped to consider if women should pursue doing it all. Do we really wanna do this?

As long as I have been alive, I’ve been told I can be excellent at anything as long as I work hard at it. Generations of women are currently under the impression that they can be ideal wives, perfect moms, and hotshots at the office. Simultaneously. Reality Check: Unlikely.

I’ve met many women who have tried to have everything and ended up watching some aspect of their lives fail spectacularly. These women were from all walks of life and were my relatives, classmates, coworkers, acquaintances, etc. Their marriages suffered and sometimes ended. Many of their children grew up and ultimately brought shame and embarrassment to their mothers. Some kids simply pulled away from their mothers. These are people, though, that I have personally known. Is it possible that all the women who can’t have it all happen to have met me? Well, there are plenty of women in the limelight we can look at as examples of women who have it all but actually don’t.

Lucille Ball

My all-time favorite actress is Lucille Ball. I grew up on a steady diet of I Love Lucy. I wanted to be just like her so I could make people laugh and forget their problems for a little bit, too. No such luck…

Ball was a tremendously successful businesswoman. In a time when women didn’t get to call the shots, she did. She forever changed the landscape of television, women’s opportunities in business and entertainment, and Ball was a once-in-a-lifetime talent. Her husband, Desi Arnaz, was handsome, talented, and worked alongside her as she built a Hollywood empire. Lucille Ball had everything. But she didn’t.

Her husband was an alcoholic and habitual adulterer. Their marriage ended in divorce as soon as The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour concluded. She revealed in interviews after the divorce that she loved Arnaz very much, but they just couldn’t make it work.

As a mother, she struggled. Ball waited until she was forty years old to have her first child, and she had to balance motherhood with a philandering husband and as a career woman on top of her game.

Ball was also known for being disagreeable and difficult to work with if she didn’t like you. In the end, Ball put the best of herself into her work, and it shows.

Hillary Rodham Clinton

Clinton has had a great deal of success in politics. Her most notable political achievement was her time as the United States Secretary of State. Although, some would argue her role in the government was a result of her riding on her husband’s coattails.

Other than her world-stopping loss to Donald Trump in the 2016 presidential election, Clinton is best known for being married to former President Bill Clinton. He is best known for being an accused rapist, a serial cheater, and for a clandestine affair with a White House intern. In other words, her marriage has brought her very little more than a job and public humiliation.

She still tells anyone who will listen that women can have it all.

Whitney Houston

Whitney Houston was one of the original divas. Her voice was unparalleled, and her appeal to audiences across demographics provided all the money a person could ever want. Houston was music royalty.

But this queen needed a king, and she married Bobby Brown, a famous singer in his own right. They divorced after fifteen years of marriage.

Was it the fame, money, or “bad boy” husband that turned her life upside down? I don’t know. I do know, however, that Houston spiraled into addiction and died of an accidental drowning with cocaine as a factor at only forty-eight years old.

If any woman had it all, it was Whitney Houston, right?

Kim Kardashian

I’m sorry to say that this morally bankrupt woman is one of the greatest influences on young women today. Kardashian has fame, despite having no talent. Many people believe she is beautiful, but that beauty consists of surgical enhancements, fillers, and other medical “improvements.”

How did Kardashian become famous? Well, she has famous parents which provided a good start. However, if you believe the rumors, she and her mother secretly released a video Kardashian and her boyfriend filmed of them engaged in intimate acts.  Suddenly, the whole world had access to her bedroom behavior. She was Only Fans before Only Fans was a thing.

Kardashian is also known for her very public marriage and divorce with Kanye West. She also has the added complication of sharing four children with one of the most mentally unstable men in the entertainment business, in my opinion.

This woman, though, is supposedly and example of women having it all.

Hooray…

These Women Can’t Have It All

We assume that women who have the successful careers, enviable husbands, and kids must be living on top of the world. After all, according to the lies society has pushed on us, these ladies have achieved the goal. If that’s true, then why are women still miserable? According to an ongoing Gallup poll, 36.7% of women report having been diagnosed with depression. Additionally, the rate of depression among women has risen at twice the rate as men since 2017.

In those few examples I shared of some of the most successful and idolized women in pop culture, we see divorce, infidelity, drug abuse, overdosing, sexually explicit behavior, and so on. And these women have it all?

Women can’t have it all. It’s a trap. And do you know what else? Men can’t either. Having everything means having things that contradict or negate some of the other things. Let me explain what I mean.

Women Can’t Have It All: Contradictions

If I want to lose weight, I could do it. If I want to eat junk food and stop exercising, I could do that, too. However, I can’t lose weight and sit around eating potato chips. (I speak from experience.) I think this automatically makes sense to most people, but then those same people will preach the gospel of having your cake and eating it, too, in other aspects of life.

Christian ladies, we can’t get caught up in this attempt to have it all. If you want to be godly and obedient to the Lord, you’re going to have to pass on certain things. I have a few examples below for your consideration.

1. Independent Woman And Be Taken Care Of

Men are confused, and there can be no wonder as to why. They try to behave as gentlemen, and they’re vilified. On the other hand, if they let women be truly equal to them in every way, these men are considered giant red flags because they treated women like one of the guys. What’s a man to do?

As women, we have been taught to strive for independence, and I agree with the sentiment to a degree. A grown-up should be a grown-up. Both men and women need to be able to take care of themselves, but our independence has gone too far. For instance, women want to split chores with their husbands like siblings doling out slices of cake…perfectly even. There’s no way they want to do any more than the men do, after all. And don’t ever tell someone that you combine your finances with your husband. The horror!

Our True Desire

Our modern culture wants women to live as if they don’t need men. Married couples who haven fallen for the feminist message prefer to live as roommates with separate lives. Increasingly, women are choosing to raise children alone, and are going Dutch on dates because “I don’t need your money.” You get the picture.

Here enters the problem. Deep down, women like feeling cared for by someone. Yes, even cared for by a man! We want him to open the door, protect us from danger, pay the check, and do things we don’t prefer. I can open the jar of pickles, ladies, but my husband usually does it for me. Why should I struggle when he can do it? Is it a problem that I want my husband to hold me after I receive terrible news? Am I out of line for stepping out of the workforce, allowing him to be the provider while I take on a caregiver role? Across the board, the answer is no.

Women can’t have it all if they want to be independent and free of the “shackles” of men meanwhile also desiring to have a man who will care for her physical and emotional needs. We can chase an identity as self-sufficient women or embrace the roles God designed for us.

2. Powerful Career And “Full-Time” Mom

Women who are at the top of their field are often admired by girls and women alike. We want the same kind of life when we see the recognition, career advancement, money, and lifestyle. And maybe this is a good place to say this: Women can have careers. I’m not telling women they cannot earn money or work outside the home. However, I am saying that there is a trade-off. No one can put 100% energy into all aspects of one’s life. For women, we see this clearly play out in the tug-and-pull relationship between career and motherhood.

Many women report missing work and feeling overwhelmed or trapped at home with their children when they leave the workforce. At the same time, when women return to work, they are often devastated at being separated from their children. They miss milestones and special moments because they can’t be a “full-time” mom. (Yes, moms are moms all the time, but I’m saying full-time to reference mothers who put in full-time career effort into motherhood. It’s their vocation.)

This issue has a lot of nuance, emotions, and gray area, and that’s kind of my point. You’ll never achieve the heights of career success you have been told you can without putting less effort into parenting. The same can be said the other way around. Motherhood will get in the way of a career if the job plays second fiddle.

We may have the best intentions at work and with our children, but women can’t have it all. We can’t be all in on career and motherhood. This isn’t a condemnation for any choice you make. Rather, it’s a reality check. Choose wisely.

3. Freedom And Family

Have you seen those TikTok videos featuring DINKs? DINK stands for dual income with no kids. In the videos, couples brag about what they have in life because they are childless. One of the most common themes is freedom.

@lillyanne_

Living the best life, the D.I.N.K life 😎 #dink #nokids #couple #fyp

♬ original sound – Lilly

These couples are free to spend their money on themselves and with less caution than many parents because they generally have more extra cash. Their decisions are based solely on serving themselves. They can go out to eat, take trips, sleep in, and spend a significant amount of time on hobbies. Sounds like a life anyone would want, right? They certainly have it all.

What happens when that desire for forming a family kicks in? For some folks, kids aren’t going to be a desire at any point, but I know many eventually want a family unit. So, they get a dog…not a child, by the way. “Pet mom” isn’t a real thing. You own a pet. You don’t parent one. Anyway, these women who feel liberated by not being pulled down by raising a family try to form one some other way. If pets aren’t enough, women will choose a family formed by a group of friends.

So, in the end, women who choose freedom over having a family still seek a family, however untraditional. Is that really freedom from responsibility and expectations like these women appear to seek? No, not if they really treat their pets and friends like family. The financial cost, time, and emotional energy those relationships require take away this alleged freedom. Yet again, something has to give.

Women can’t have it all concerning freedom vs. family. Either they create some version of family which takes away aspects of their freedom, or they fully embrace this false sense of freedom by isolating themselves from any true relationships in favor of a lifestyle of selfishness.

You can read about true freedom HERE.

4. Self-Fulfillment And Obedience To The Lord

As we grow from children to adult women, there is a significant amount of time spent on “finding ourselves.” We focus a lot on what we want and how to be happy. Most of our choices revolve around how the consequences will affect us. We want to feel good about it.

This approach is an undoubtedly worldly one, but Christians find themselves thinking this way. If you don’t believe me, then listen to the reasons church members give for not serving in particular ministries or even attending regularly.

“I’m not comfortable witnessing, talking to new people, committing to anything in the future, giving up my evening, etc.”

“I prefer to spend my volunteer time with my friends from work.”

“Sunday is my only day to relax each week.”

“Church is important, but I’m really prioritizing myself and my needs right now.”

Serve God, Not Self

We are created in God’s image and are valuable in His eyes, so, of course, we should take care of ourselves. However, we aren’t meant to seek ourselves first. The man-made methods we use to be fulfilled and have purpose fall flat and often lead to sin, if they are not already sin.

As a Christian woman, your duty is to obey God. If you truly live in obedience to Him, then you won’t be able to pursue self-fulfillment as the world teaches it.

God has good works for us to do, and it’s disobedience to refuse.

“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.”

Ephesians 2:10

You have died to self. Christians serve the Lord rather than their own desires and preferences. Jesus sacrificed Himself for you. Can’t you do the same for Him? Are you not thankful enough for His gift of salvation to put Him first in your life?

“I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.”

Galatians 2:20

Women can’t have it all if having it all means fulfilling ourselves for our own purposes and also obeying God. The good news is that we fulfill our purpose and achieve true Christian fulfillment (i.e., fulfillment in Christ) when we seek God before ourselves and obey Him in our daily walk with Him.

5. Be A Boss Babe And Have A Husband Who Leads

Christian women often struggle with their husbands’ spiritual leadership at home. And what I mean to say is that these husbands don’t spiritually lead. Godly women long for that leadership, and God commands men to lead. Let’s not downplay the role men play in this failure. No one is to blame for a man’s failure to lead in the home other than the man. But…it’s a difficult task to accomplish when one’s wife is large and in charge.

I love to see strong, confident women doing well and loving God, but there is such a thing as too strong and confident, ladies. Just as a man who leads can become a bully and aggressive, a woman can take her boss babe mentality too far.

Many of the same women who despair at their husbands’ weak leadership also treat their husbands poorly. These wives put them down, argue, take charge, don’t seek input and teamwork, and speak poorly of them in public or to friends and family. Essentially, boss babes are at risk of emasculating their husbands.

Women can’t have it all if they want a man who leads while they themselves insist on sucking all the oxygen out of the room with their boss babe sassy attitude. Don’t expect your husband to perform his biblical roles as a husband well if you are not behaving like a biblical wife (Titus 2:3-5; 1 Timothy 2:11-14; Proverbs 31; 1 Peter 3:1-6; Ephesians 5:22-24). You can’t lead and be led at the same time, friend.

6. Kids’ Activities And Children Who Prioritize God

This one might hurt the most. Women are fooling themselves if they think they are going to raise faithful Christian children while pitting church against activities.

Activities are not inherently bad for our children. In fact, they are wonderful ways to build character, make friends, meet new kinds of people, and develop interests and skills. On the other hand, our culture is preoccupied with filling every moment of kids’ time by scheduling them to death. Free time and boredom are being avoided at all costs, but I think we should advocate for more. Also, all those activities and commitments remove margin from the day, and consequently, eradicate the ability to take on unexpected opportunities.

Sports, predictably, top the list of offenders. Coaches and parents take youth sports more seriously than ever before, and now even Sunday is affected. I’ve attended churches in which entire families disappeared for months at a time because it was *whatever sport* season. Kids need to understand and believe that God comes before everything, and the only way to teach that and help them internalize it is to live it out.

Women can’t have it all when they want kids who prioritize God first and throw themselves 100% into extracurricular activities. Balance is key, but that balance isn’t even between God and other things. He should always weigh heaviest on the scales.

Final Thought

When we tell women they can’t have it all, people become highly offended. It’s as if we are saying women can’t be good mothers, employees, wives, Christians, etc. That’s a poor interpretation of the message, though. Simply stated, no one, women included, can successfully manage to do everything well and have all the desires of her heart. More importantly, no one should.

Our hearts are deceitful and desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9). Why would we allow that to lead us? Meanwhile, God has plans for us that are much bigger than our own infinitesimal understanding of life regarding eternity. We don’t know what’s good for us, but He does. So, rather than chasing after everything, why don’t we chase after Jesus? If we would just follow Him, we’d have everything we need. And that’s enough.

What do you think women try to do in order to have it all?

Image courtesy of CoWomen via Unsplash.