Your Child Is His Own Person

My third child was born at the beginning of January in 2014. He was a notably easy pregnancy and an even easier labor and delivery. That was the last time I would ever describe this boy as easy. My oldest child looks and acts just like me (uh oh…). My second-born child is his father’s son, for sure. Then, our third came along, and I have just one question. Who is this kid? Parents have the serious task of raising and discipling the next generation, but one of the biggest hindrances to that task is that each child is his own person. I know. Shocking.

His Own Drummer

My third-born was immediately unlike my other children. My first two kids were pretty typical babies. As they became toddlers, they were silly, fun, and developmentally on the mark for all the milestones. My third baby, the middle child now, was much more low-key once he was done screaming in the delivery room. He was, dare I say, cool at a few weeks old. This boy had a smolder going within weeks of coming home!

Who does it best? My son or Flynn Ryder?

My older two children were very talkative. There’s no mystery where that came from, of course. However, my third child was relatively quiet. He had language, but he seemed to choose to stay silent much more often than the rest of us. He watched, observed, and stayed to himself a lot of the time.

One of the biggest differences between my middle child and the older two was that he was not always attached to my hip. My first two wanted to be able to touch me at any given moment, so the physical distance between us was scant. They tried to be a part of everything I did. On the other hand, his behaviors displayed that this child was his own person very early on. He was happy to sit apart from us and entertain himself with cars and trains. Mom who?

Unmet Expectations: Being His Own Person With Affection

I like my personal space. Being crowded and constantly touched makes me irritable. I call this being “all touched out.” I do, though, want affection from my loved ones. Is there anything sweeter than a sloppy baby kiss or a toddler hugging you at the knees…and not letting go? My mama self longs for those things.

Despite my wants, my third-born was not one for affection. My husband and I had to ask for hugs and kisses most of the time, and even then, he frequently said, “No, thank you.”

He has, in his own time, grown to show physical affection. He loves to hug us now, but it had to be on his terms. His kind words are reserved for when he is ready to share them, as well, and I’ve discovered that makes them all the more special. I have a child who will tell me I’m pretty no matter how I look. In contrast, my third-born only says things like that when he absolutely, 100%, no doubt about it means it. And I treasure those words.

Unmet Expectations: Being His Own Person With Faith

We can’t force our faith on our children. I know that. But we can teach them our faith, pray for them, and bring them up with every opportunity possible to know the Lord. At a very early age, this particular son told us he was not interested in church or God. Those words broke my heart and scared me half to death. Was rejecting Christ really a thing at four?!

In our home, we ask our children to pray sometimes. Even if they have not confessed faith in Jesus, we would like them to become comfortable with the idea of prayer and practicing how to pray. I still sometimes struggle with public prayer, and I think part of the reason is that I got saved in my twenties and had never done it before. So, we encourage it, but we don’t force it.

My son, in a display of being his own person, told us that he would pray when he was five years old. We thought he was just using a delay tactic, but we didn’t push too hard on the issue. Of course, we continued to encourage him to pray, and we insisted that he respectfully participate when others were praying. But he did not pray out loud, that is, until he turned five years old.

I couldn’t believe it, but I’m not surprised looking back at it. This was exactly how my son would handle this. He stuck to his word but also insisted on his timing. He had his way of doing things because this child is his own person.

My Son Can’t Be His Own Person All The Time

Can a child be his own person all the time? Well, it depends on what that question means. Yes, technically, a child is his own person all the time. Our sons and daughters are who they are, and they won’t become fundamentally new humans based on the situation. I think we all understand that. However, no one can just do whatever he or she wants to all the time because “that’s just who I am.”

As a parent, I have had to find the line between my son exerting his personality and independence in a healthy way and my son needing to do what he is told no matter how he feels about it. Look at our culture for, like, ten seconds, and you’ll see a lot of parents aren’t creating those proper boundaries anymore. We have to, though, if we hope to raise godly children who develop biblical character. Not to mention, don’t we all want kids to grow into adults we want to spend time with because we genuinely like them?

5 Reminders For When I Find His Independence Challenging

So, how do we do this? How do we raise those children who are not so easily bent to our will? How do we help our child grow into his own person while still holding onto the reigns? I don’t know. I’m still learning how. Nevertheless, I’d like to share a few ideas that have helped me while raising this boy who refuses to be anyone but himself.

1. My Child Is Created In God’s Image

My son was not created in my image. He was created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27). So, my expectation should not be that my son will grow into a younger version of myself. I ought to be discipling my son with the goal of him growing more in Christlikeness. Sure, I’m hoping that I display Christlikeness in my own life and, consequently, my son will emulate that in his life. Even so, my aim is for him to be more like Christ, not like me.

2. Be Patient

I want what I want, and I want it now. Admittedly this is not the best motto to carry through life, but it is most definitely one of my biggest weaknesses. I don’t want to wait, and I expect that my children won’t make me wait. What a set-up for disaster!

Galatians 5 lists the fruit of the Spirit consisting of: love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance (v. 22-23). And there it is! The fourth word listed is longsuffering (i.e., patience). As a Christian grows in her faith, she will display the fruit the Spirit. Yes, even patience. And that patience will be toward her children, too. Ugh! That’s a tough one for me.

It helps to remind myself that God has been endlessly patient with me. I spent twenty-six years rejecting Him, mocking Him, and often being cruel towards Christians. He was patient, and He was still there at when I was twenty-six years old and desperate to be His daughter.

Since my salvation, He has continued to be patient with me as I have made strides in my sanctification and then fallen into spiritual valleys. He is a constant and never-ending source of hope and peace no matter what I do, say, or think. Does He chastise me? Oh yeah… But He does it because any loving father corrects his children. Therefore, it is essential that our Heavenly Father who loves us will discipline us, as well (Hebrews 12:6).

With all this patience from the Lord, we can certainly be patient with our children who challenge us or don’t follow the path we thought was best for them.

3. I Am The Parent

I hear a chorus of voices nowadays telling us to let our kids make all their own decisions. All of them. Even the homeschool community uses this mentality when looking for excuses to give up. They wonder aloud who should choose the manner of a child’s education. The parent or the child? But no matter the topic, the general idea is the same.

“Your child is his own person. You don’t have the right to tell him how to live.”

Don’t believe me? In my research for this post I came across some Reddit posts questioning whether or not it is even legal to make your child come to church with you. This question was not an obscure one hidden in the depths of social media. It was a frequently asked question with fervent debate on whether or not it is fair for children to be taken to church against their wishes.

Choose Your Battles Wisely

I have learned to choose my battles and not get caught up in profitless power struggles. If my third child wants to stop participating in an activity after we have given it a real try, then I’m not going to force him. Despite the misuse of the argument, my child is, in fact, his own person. His older siblings were on swim team when they were younger. My third kid barely tolerates the lessons he takes. We have agreed that he can stop lessons when he is a strong enough swimmer for us all to feel confident about him swimming without a life jacket. He loves to swim, but he doesn’t love the classes or competition. He’s his own person, and I can respect that.

On the other hand, my husband and I decide what form his education will take, what church he goes to, which friends he can spend time with, and a whole myriad of other things. He may be his own person, but he just turned eight, and I’m the parent in this relationship.

4. My Child Is His Own Person

The Bible encourages parents to disciple and discipline their children. A few examples are:

“And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”

Ephesians 6:4

“He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.”

Proverbs 13:24

“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

Proverbs 22:6

Does Good Parenting Guarantee Godly Kids?

Let’s take a closer look at Proverbs 22:6. We can take away a good lesson here. Parents need to train their children, and those children will likely continue in the ways they were taught as they move on to independence. Is that true, though?

Instances of this can be observed in both positive and negative ways. Plenty of solid, healthy Christians were raised in solid, healthy Christian homes with strong biblical parenting. On the flipside, children raised in godless or unhealthy homes often grow up into godless or unhealthy adults. We see this most clearly, and in the most extreme sense, in cycles of abuse. Children who are abused often grow up to abuse others or end up being abused by more people. This isn’t to “blame the victim.” It is simply an observable phenomenon.

Thankfully, exceptions exist in godless or unhealthy homes. Some people move on to have happy and healthy lives after horrific childhoods. Also, some people grow up in homes with no reference to Jesus and end up becoming born-again believers. As with negative childhoods, positive ones cannot always predict the outcome. The best parents in the world can have a child who rejects Christ and loves the world because their child is his own person.

Can We Trust Proverbs?

Then, is Proverbs 22:6 a lie? No. Proverbs aren’t promises like we see elsewhere in the Bible. The Proverbs of the Bible can be defined as “a short saying that expresses a general truth for practical, godly living.”

Generally, how parents raise their children will directly influence how that adult child lives his life. Ultimately, though, we are not their authority when they grow up. They answer to God and the government at that point.

As I raise my children, especially my third, I continue to remind myself that my children are responsible for their decisions. Their father and I can only take them so far, and then one day they must be left to lead themselves.

5. I Can’t Save Him

One of the scariest things about parenting a child who does not assume everything I say is automatically correct is that he might question my faith. It’s funny I say “might” because he already has and probably will again. We all have questions, though, right?

Of all the people in the world that I want to see saved, my children top the list. Every Christian parent feels the same. So, the weight of their eternity sometimes feel heavy to me because I care so much (that’s OK) and because I feel responsible for their salvation (that’s not all right). I am not my children’s savior. If I could be, I would be, but I’m not worthy of that. None of us are. This is a job for Jesus and Jesus alone.

I recently saw a social media post from a Christian influencer that said “The only thing I can take to Heaven with me is people.” Every comment was “Amen!” or “Yes!” Maybe I’m missing something. The sentiment is nice, but it is definitely not biblical. I can take zero people with me.

How Can My Child Be Saved, If Not By Me?

Like I say to my children all the time…words have meaning. Saying I can take people to Heaven with me is heavily insinuating I can save people. This is the same reason I reject the term “soul winner.” Who’s winning souls, ya’ll? Not you. Not me. Salvation is God’s job. We are called to share the gospel (Matthew 28:16-20), and plant the seeds of faith in our dealings with people. But we don’t save anyone. Not one.

“That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.” (emphasis mine)

Romans 10:9

Your mouth and your heart. I can’t make that happen for you. I can’t save you.

“Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved.”

Acts 4:12

No one is going to get saved under my name or yours. It is in Christ alone in which we have salvation.

“Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost;” (emphasis mine)

Titus 3:5

It is by His mercy that we can be saved. I can be merciful all day long (though, I really can’t…), and no one is getting saved.

“For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:” (emphasis mine)

Ephesians 2:8

No one is earning salvation for oneself or for anyone else. It is a gift from God which He reserves the right to give.

We don’t take people to Heaven, not even our own children. We parent, we love, we disciple, we pray, and we allow them to live the lives God has given them. My independent-minded, stubborn, slow-to-change son is his own person. I can’t save him. That business is between my son and Jesus.

Final Thought

About eight years ago someone handed me a screaming baby boy. He calmed down a little bit, and a deep love bloomed between us. I felt like I was parenting at “expert level” because I already had two kids, so bringing this sweet guy home was no big deal. I was right to some degree. He fit right into our family, and we felt so blessed to have a healthy baby. I was also very wrong, though. He was so unlike my other children that I was thrown off my mama game.

My third child has kept me guessing and challenged me to parent differently. More biblically, really. I thought I could just control my kids. “I know what’s best and they’ll succeed if they follow my lead.” But what if what they need is more space to be themselves? What if they need less mom yapping in their ear and more time to listen for God? Could it be possible that God’s plans for my children are better than mine?

As my middle child turns eight years old I have to loosen my grasp on him, acknowledging an uncomfortable truth for me.

“Julie, your child is his own person, and you need to treat him that way.”

How about it, veteran moms? Share your tips on how us control-hungry moms can release the reigns a bit and encourage our children to be independent.

Image courtesy of Guillaume de Germain via Unsplash.