Grief Is A Process And That’s OK

My mom’s birthday was yesterday. She would have been sixty-one years old. Sadly, less than a month after she turned fifty-seven, she died due to cirrhosis of the liver. Our relationship was strained…to put it in the most positive light possible. Despite our unhealthy relationship, I loved my mom very much. And I acutely felt the sting of losing her. Her death was nearly four years ago, and I am discovering that grief is a process which can linger much longer than it is welcome.

Grief Is A Process: It’s The Little Things

My oldest daughter asked me a question this week that stopped me in my tracks.

“Do you ever feel sad your mom died?”

Triggers From The Past

After a long pause I told her that I do still feel sad about it.  The truth is that I find myself grieving my mother at unexpected times. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with sadness when I hear certain songs that elicit strong memories, both good and bad. Even certain foods I associate with her can trigger a strong sense of grief.

Triggers From The Present

A new trigger is my oldest daughter. She looks like me, is introverted, loves to read and write, has a witty sense of humor that can cut if she isn’t careful, and her love of sleep rivals my own. Basically, she’s my mini me. At eleven years old, she is becoming a young lady and stepping into her own more and more. Instead of pulling away, however, she continues to seek me out.

That’s awesome, right? It is! However, it also makes me sad. Leave it to me to take a perfectly normal mother-daughter relationship and make it dramatic.

By eleven years old, I saw my mother as a threat and more invested in herself than in my dad or me. I stayed away from her and locked myself in my room as much as possible, retreating into my imagination as I weaved tales of fame. (I really wanted to be a singer or comedienne.)

Today, I’m a mother who is fostering the relationship with my daughter I wanted with my own mom. I desired that safe mother figure to turn to when I needed support. I wanted a mother who could be my friend in adulthood. I’m not perfect. Maybe I’m not even a good mom. Nevertheless, I’m on my way to a much better future with my own daughters. And it’s bittersweet.

I rejoice in the relationship I have with my daughter, but I also feel a sting of loss and sadness over never having had this with my mom. The pain is more palpable to me now because I have real-life experiences with the healthy side of mother-daughter relationships. I’m the mom I wish my mom could have been. Sure, I have a lot more growing to do as a mother, but I am growing and trying to invest in these little people making messes in my house.

Grief Is A Process: Milestones And Memories

This year I have really felt that combo shot of my mom’s birthday and Christmas. Grieving people tend to feel a little more strongly about their losses on those significant dates on the calendar. For me, these two dates are only two days apart. But who knows? Maybe I’m just emotionally spent as we approach year two of “fourteen days to slow the spread.” Whatever the reason, this year is hitting hard.

I prayed for reconciliation with my mom, and I continually asked God to bring her physical, mental, and spiritual healing. I thought we had time, though, her alcoholism always made me feel as if there were a loudly ticking clock in her life. How long can anyone live like that? But still, fifty-seven seemed like time was on our side. God, however, had His plans.

Remembering The Good Things

As time goes on, I find myself actively scouring my memories in hopes of recalling an unblemished positive memory with my mom. So many of my good memories also involve her alcoholism, manipulation, or unkindness. Christmas, though, has endured in my mind as nothing but positive with my mother.

My mom and I loved going shopping around the holidays. The mall was especially important to us at Christmas. We were the crazy people shopping at 4:30 in the morning on Black Friday. Did we want good deals? Kind of. Mostly, we just wanted to watch that whole thing unfold.

Christmas decorations at the mall near our home were always beautiful, and we loved to take it all in. We visited several times during the Christmas season to enjoy the lights, trees, music, and special touches (e.g, kids’ train, temporary vendors, pianists, and seasonal treats). Despite not being a believer, Christmas felt so special to me during these times with my mom. Love, peace, goodwill… It was all in the air, and even my mom and I had these between us. It was almost as if this Christmas tradition turned off my mom’s struggles and made her love me better.

Grief Is A Process: Reliving The Loss

This will sound pretty dumb, but it’s where I am at right now. Plans to visit that mall this year have fallen through, and I feel like the scab on the wound her death caused has been torn off. I didn’t even realize I had attached this mall trip to my mom until we canceled our plans due to illness.

We were supposed to visit my dad and stepmom and then my in-laws. All of our family lives in another state, so these trips are always a bit of an undertaking. However, this year I was able to book a hotel last minute to leave a day earlier than planned in order to go to that mall with my family. In the back of my mind, I thought we might even drive around the area to show my children my old stomping grounds and where my mom grew up.

Keeping Her Memory Alive

Three of my kids never met my mom, and my other two don’t remember her. If I’m honest, that makes her feel more dead because I am the only one in my family holding her memory. When I die, there’s nothing left of her if my children don’t know her in some way. This is a heavy burden to me lately.

I miss her more now than when she was alive but not speaking to me. This is especially true around her birthday and Christmas. Having to cancel our trip feels like she’s been taken from me again. I could have relived some of those positive experiences we had in the past with my family, but instead I am reliving the feelings of loss and grief.

Grief Is A Process: But How Do We Do It?

“Well, Julie, how should we grieve?” I know I’m writing this blog post, so you might be expecting the answer from me here. Honestly, I don’t really have “the answer.” There might not be one answer to give. My mom is the first person I lost to death that was from my inner circle. So, I have little experience with losses of this nature. I assumed I would grieve and then that would be done. The pain and sadness would be neatly packed away in the done pile. Grief? Check!

Apparently, grief is potentially a long-time companion. This doesn’t have to be a hindrance in our lives, though. You know what I mean? We don’t have to live in it. Grief is a natural human experience. It’s healthy. But how do we deal with it?

1. Let Yourself Grieve

What is it about Christians that makes us so apt to pretend like everything is perfect? That glossy veneer so many of us show the world isn’t helping anyone…not even ourselves. As a world-class emotion stuffer, I can promise you that leaving emotions undealt with will only hurt ourselves and the others around us.

Maybe we worry that people will think we are in sin if we feel the “bad” emotions. Or worse, are we telling others our God is weak if we are in grief and sadness? I mean, He did instruct us to “rejoice always” after all (1 Thessalonians 5:16).

Well, the Lord wants us to rejoice and to praise Him, but grief, mourning, pain, sadness, and longing are part of this fallen world experience that we live. And God expects it.

The Bible And Grief

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: … a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;”

Ecclesiastes 3:1,4

Every moment shouldn’t be filled with our grief, but there will be times in which grieving is absolutely appropriate. That might display differently among individuals, but it is an expected part of our experience on earth.

“Jesus wept.”

John 11:35

Our spotless Lamb. Our sinless Savior. Jesus. He wept when He witnessed the devastation and grief of those around Him at Lazarus’s death. Christ already knew Lazarus would die, and He knew that He was going to resurrect Lazarus. So, His weeping was unlikely in sadness over the loss of a friend. Instead, He wept in compassion for those who grieved in that moment. He didn’t condemn them or tell them to keep a stiff upper lip. No one there was questioned about their faith. The Lord showed them love and compassion.

God knows we grieve, and He has compassion on us as we do. So, go ahead and grieve, and lean into Jesus when you do it. He won’t pull away.

2. Remember We Live In His Will, Not Ours

We know what we want, and we think it is best for us. Our will, however, has a bad track record. I bet the things you insisted on often ended up not being good for you. I know I’ve made my life much harder multiple times when I demanded my way.

Also, think about all the things you wanted that God didn’t give you. I imagine you’ll come up with a list of things you are glad never came to fruition. Why? Because God knows best. Always.

“For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:9

God reminds us in this passage that all His ways are higher than ours. He simply knows better than us. That’s easy to accept when life seems to be lining up with our wants and desires, but what about when we lose someone we love? Is that His will, too? Yes.

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”

Romans 8:28

Here’s the rub, folks. That verse doesn’t mean that everything will end up just as we want. It isn’t the guarantee of a happy ending on earth. On the other hand, there is a happy ending for believers in eternity, and while we are here God sanctifies us through life’s trials and challenges.

I’m not glad my mom died, but I’d be lying if I claimed I haven’t grown in my faith and as a person, generally, as a result of going through that. I’m not sure why God didn’t give us time. It is devastating to have not had an opportunity to say goodbye to mom and reassure her that I loved her. But God’s ways are higher than mine, and He continues to use this hurt in my life to teach me about Himself. And, hey, maybe I’ll be able to minister to someone else one day because of my experience.

I wouldn’t have picked this outcome, but I’m not God. And we can all take a deep breath and be relieved about that.

3. Seek His Peace And Comfort

Don’t look for peace and comfort in the wrong places. The world turns to sex, alcohol, drugs, and food, for example, but there is no lasting peace or comfort in those things. Oftentimes, those “comforts” create more pain and suffering rather than help those people in search of peace.

The Lord Offers Peace And Comfort

“Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” (emphasis mine)

Philippians 4:6-7

“In the multitude of my thoughts within me thy comforts delight my soul.”

Psalm 94:19

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”

Psalm 23:4

4. Remember The Hope We Have In Jesus

When we feel hopeless and like nothing is ever going to get better, we need to turn our eyes on Jesus. I’ve been there. I’ve felt like my life was destroyed, and I wanted no part in it. Ultimately, what kept me grounded and in my right mind was remembering that I had the hope of eternity with the Lord thanks to Christ’s sacrifice in the cross.

“And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.”

Revelation 21:4

“For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.”

Romans 8:18

Final Thought

Grief is a process we go through, not a one and done experience. It changes, though, over time. The grief upon the loss is acute and overwhelming. I thought that was the end, but I was surprised to find myself grieving throughout the years in various ways. That’s all right. If that’s you, too, then just know that you aren’t alone in it.

As we continue to grieve, we can continue to draw closer to the Lord. He is our strength and refuge in our times of weakness, and He will never fail to love us and see us through our grief. Our Lord is always faithful.

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father
There is no shadow of turning with Thee
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be

Chorus: Great is Thy faithfulness
Great is Thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love

Chorus

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow
Blessings all mine with 10, 000 beside

Chorus

“Great Is Thy Faithfulness” by William M. Runyan & Thomas O Chisholm

What has helped you grieve? Any advice ?

Image courtesy of Kristina Tripkovic via Unsplash.